POV

For the past two years, whenever I would plug my camera up to the computer to download pictures, I never knew what I might find... often something like this:

or this:

Although it's adorable, I was also sick of having to bring my camera into the camera store to have some crazy weird setting undone (if your flash will not turn on no matter what, make sure your three year old didn't activate that "rapid burst" feature of your camera). So, Santa came to the rescue and brought Sophia her very own camera, which was by FAR the best present she has ever gotten. She took 173 pictures on Christmas Day. Since then, I've loved getting a glipse into her world (plus I'm pretty sure she's a better photographer and I am):

Fear

I. am. scared.

Basically two days ago, God told me I should look into becoming a foster parent. It's never been on my to do list before, yet every "but" I tried to throw His way got thrown back at me. Davis has always talked about wanting to adopt a child. Before we conceived Sophia, we decided that if we couldn't get pregnant on our own, we'd go straight to adoption, rather than battle infertility. However, once I had my biological children, the whole adoption idea became....different. I always just told Davis we shouldn't pursue it, but "if a baby shows up on our door step, I guess it's meant to happen." What I didn't think about, was the possibility that we might invite children onto our doorstep.

When I started thinking about the reasons I couldn't possibly be a foster parent... like my need to be in control pretty much all of the time, my difficulty with unknown and unexpectedly changing situations, my fear of loss... I started realizing that these are some of the things that hold me back, things that maybe God will help me overcome. And maybe in a sudden-detox-full-immersion kind of way!! Yikes!

We are SO SO barely in the preliminary stages of looking into this. When I first started hearing the call, and Davis and I first started talking about it (and by "first" I mean two days ago), the fear and apprehension was pretty stifling. Of course, my awesome bloggy world offered some intensely perfect wisdom: http://lynnettekraft.blogspot.com/2009/02/be-courageous-as-god-leads-you-even.html. *deep breath* Many prayers later, and I feel so much more peace and so much less fear. We have decided to just FOLLOW. I don't know where this path will lead. I don't know whether we will end up foster parents or not, whether we will end up adopting or not, whether something completely different will come of it... we just don't know. And you know what? I'm okay with that. How crazy is that?! ME! I'm cool with that, I know the Big Guy has a plan. Woah, crazy.

As for the details... we are going for our informational meeting in two weeks - this is where you learn about the whole process and ask questions (my typed up bulleted list is getting long already, I'm not giving up all of my Type A ways ;). After that, if we continue on with the process, we will complete about 30 hours of training and have a homestudy done. If we end up in the program, we would take only infants, and only one at a time. Many of these are short-term placements, until they can go home with their birth parents or be adopted. We have everything (an extra room, crib, time, love, etc.) that was reserved for our Baby Number Three, so we'll see...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. ;)

As for me...

I did not offer my two year old a gummy bear to get off my lap so I could finish writing a few emails. I would never use candy to bribe a baby.

I did not just totally blow my grocery store budget on fresh sushi, which I did not eat in the car on the way home like a littly piggy... and even if I had done those things, I would never have burried the evidence at the bottom of the trash can by lifting out some trash bags and placing the sushi container under them.

I did not stay in my pajamas all day Saturday, and leave my kids in pajamas all day Saturday, just because it was cold and rainy.

I so did not throw away a perfectly good sippy cup, just because I was too squeamish to open it up and deal with the rancid milk inside.

I did not have Sun Chips and orange Fanta for dinner last night. That would be gross.

I did not call myself at work while I was off and leave myself a voicemail message full of reminders.... and end it with "okay thanks! bye!"

And I most certainly did not give the puppy Dramamine and a bone and put him in his crate so I could have a couple of puppy-free hours while Davis was out of town last week.

Nope, not me ;)

Sweetness

I'm pretty strict about bedtime, sleeping through the night, (mostly) staying in your own bed... but I secretly love some evenings when my kids wake up, and they know they shouldn't be up, so they're super extra snuggly sweet. Sophia did it for a while shortly after Amelia was born, Amelia does it occassionally now... just like they might wake up hungry or thirsty in the middle of the night, I think some nights they wake up hungry for love. Maybe Sophia was sick that day, so Amelia didn't get that much attention - she'll wake up for some snuggles, a big ball of sweetness, and then go back to bed. This was one such night, at about 11:30 pm, when Amelia sat on our bed and just oozed love for about 20 minutes, then happily fell back asleep.

Praying for our children

Have you seen this great little button on the side of my blog?




Well, it's also from Angie Smith (I told you she inspires me!) If you click on it, you'll land on her much more eloquent explanation of WHY it's important to not only pray for your children, but let them know that you pray for them.

I have to admit, I'm not very good at prayers. Not the "real" kind anyway. I always like to say I have sticky note conversations with God (like "oh yeah, dear God, please lift up X" or "thanks God, I needed that!" all day long) I have to work hard to let my thoughts be still, so that I can have a deeper conversation with God. Songs have always brought me closer to God than formal prayers, which is why I can't get through Amazing Grace or Silent Night or O Come All Ye Faithful without sobbing. Although the Lord's Prayer does feel "real" to me, maybe because it brings me right back to kneeling next to my grandmother... anyway, generally I'm not do great with reciting prayers.

Well, I was so excited to get Angie's seven prayers for our children - for seven times of the day - because they do feel real, and they touch on exactly the things I want to pray for for my children. I printed them off on index size pieces of paper, and had them laminated. They look like this:

Since that week, I have kept these cards near so I can continue to pray for my girls.

Set up for a bad morning

Well, my blogging euphoria will have consequences... while I happily caught up with all of my old bloggy friends (and some new ones), the laundry didn't get done, the house didn't clean itself, the clothes didn't lay themselves out, my Sunday School lesson for tomorrow didn't work its way into my head... you get the picture. The scary thing is, Davis has been out of town all week and won't return until tomorrow afternoon, so starting in about 5.5 hours, when Amelia wakes up, I will single-handedly be letting Porter out, getting the kids fed (thank goodness for the blueberry muffins we made today!), feeding Porter, picking out church clothes for us, letting Porter back out, taking a shower, letting Porter in, reading my Sunday School lesson, putting Porter back in his crate, getting the girls dressed, and getting us all out the door by 8:45 a.m. Yes, this is a set up for a bad morning. If I do nothing tonight, I must set the coffee maker.

***Update - it was a piece of cake and I wasn't even crabby this morning ;) ***

Beatrice

Once again, sweet Angie Smith has inspired me...and this time has led us to something so amazing and exciting, I've just been bursting lately! In fact, I think this was part of what nudged me out of my fog...

Angie is travelling to India to blog for Compassion. When I first read about her trip, I just felt God's voice welling up inside me... and before I even finished reading her sentence will you be praying about sponsoring a child, He was shouting YES! In fact, I jumped over to the Compassion site so fast, I didn't read the part about chosing a child from Calcutta (what can I say, I'm not that great with instructions).

I really wanted to make this a family experience, and as I started looking through pages and pages of children - all of their eyes just called out to me - I asked Sophia to come help me. I told her we would be making a new friend. I explained to her about these children all over the world, who need our help, and I told her God was chosing for us to pick one to be our special friend. As I clicked through the pages, Sophia stopped me and pointed to a picture of a little four year old girl from Ghana, named Beatrice. She asked me her name, and when I told her, she said "Beatrice is so beautiful, she is my special friend." Beatrice is so beautiful - not only is she so adorable I just want to scoop her up and kiss her sweet cheeks, but her story really touched me.

So, we have a new friend. Sophia and I made a trip to the library and got every book we could find on Ghana and stories of children in Africa. We started collecting sticker books, drawing pictures, and taking photographs to send to Beatrice. We pray for Beatrice, we talk about her, she has already become such a part of our family.

And, I'm excited about a little project I've been mulling around in my head... I am going to get a giant map poster, and mount it on metal. Then I will made little picture magnets for all of our friends and relatives - including Beatrice - who live far away. I love that we'll have a place to see just where everyone is, and a good starting place for learnin more about the world. Stay tuned for the final product...

I am so thankful that God has brought Beatrice into our lives. Angie continues to inspire me, and I am so thankful that she led me to sponsorship - something I've contemplated many times, but finally embraced.

Compassion is wonderful. When our packet arrived in the mail, we learned so much about Beatrice and her family, but also about Ghana - they even have local recipes on their website! I pray that Angie is successful in recruiting lots of other sponsors - somehow I just know she will be ;)

Free

So as I alluded to earlier, this has been a dark time for me lately. I threw myself a big, long pity party and frequently invited God in just long enough to yell at Him and tell Him how angry, sad and disappointed I was. I felt like my three year old when she's not getting her way - kicking, screaming, and completely convinced that my way was the only way. Thankfully, God is a more patient parent than I am, and He put up with it all these months.

I tried to pull myself up. I told myself ALL. THE. TIME. that God has a plan, that I need to trust Him. I feel like a failure for not trusting Him, for being angry with Him, for not being able to just LET GO and stop obsessing about MY wants and needs and follow the path that He has chosen for me.

I have felt consumed with my own desires this past year. My whole life I wanted three children close together, and for some reason I feel selfishly entitled to get that.Then the other night, everything changed.

I was in bed, and I opened my Bible and let God lead me to a passage like He often does. ... my Bible fell open and my hand fell onto Psalm 113 - one I wasn't that familiar with. I read it, suddenly realizing that my struggles are about humility and how much I have been consumed with my own desires this past year... I just started thinking of how far from the path I've strayed, losing sight of everything I believe in in my quest to have things my way. As I read the Psalm aloud to myself, I just pledged to make things right, to let go and set my focus back on God rather than ME. When I got to the last paragraph I just gasped.

Psalm 113
1 Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD.
2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.
4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.
9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

I just suddenly felt FREE. Free from the burden and obsession and desire that has clutched at my heart these past few months. I felt totally okay with however things might turn out. I finally GOT IT. Even though I had been telling myself the same over and over, for some reason it finally got through my thick skull - this is not my life, I am not in charge, I do not know best.

I am so sad to think back on these past six months... I am sad that I let myself stray so far from God. I am sad that I missed out on so much happiness with my children. I am sad that I not just let myself forget about this blog, but about the message behind it - my gratitude was replaced with greed.

I don't know if God will give us another child. If He does, I don't know when. And I'm okay with that. What a relief to once again surrender the reigns, to know that He knows the plans He has for me. It's not my job to plan out my children, it's not my job to go to the ends of medical science to have a baby, it's not my job to worry about when/how/if... it's my job to Praise the Lord every day for the gifts He has given me, and to enjoy them with all my heart.

A quick catch-up

I just wanted to do a quick recap of what's been going on in our busy little lives since I last wrote... I have a longer post to write, but it will have to wait until tonight, when the girls are asleep.

My, how life just passes us by when we're trapped in our own little pity party - looking back now, I see how very richly I am blessed. Praise God. He is so patient with me.

For Halloween, Sophia wanted to be a butterfly, and Amelia was a flower (even though when I first pitched the idea, Sophia asked me "can I sit on her?" Um, no.) It was our first year trick or treating, and they caught on quickly ;)

We finally did remodel our bathroom, but not in soothing blues like my earlier plan... it's pretty darn green, and we love it :)

We travelled to California for Thanksgiving, to spend some time with my family.

Christmas was amazing - what a joyful holiday with two kids old enough to know what's going on! And my Christmas gift... was Porter the Puppy!

That was him all cute and cuddly at 8 weeks old... he's now a very rambunctious, but still adorable, 14 week old monster (Sophia calls him "our very own ferocious beast!") I can't wait to tell you more about him.

Amelia turned TWO at the end of January! She had a sweet dress up party at our house, one that the girls re-enact almost daily, so I think it was a success :)

Well, that is a fast-forward to our lives today... now I need to run see what my two little girls and one little puppy are up to - I hear running water, which is never a good thing!

Hiatus

I have had so many blog entries stir around in my head these past six months, but haven't been able to bring myself to post. I wanted this blog to be about thankfulness. I am sad to say that I didn't feel very thankful after my second miscarriage in August. In fact, I've felt pretty lost, and didn't think I had anything useful to share with the world.

A word that kept popping into my head when I decided last week to start blogging again (more on that next post) is HIATUS. I knew it meant something like a "break" - like the one I've been taking from blogging - but I decided to look it up anyway. I looked it up in my dictionary (I know, it's terribly old fashioned of me, but I still have a Websters next to my desk). It says

Hiatus: n. a gap or break, as where a part is missing

And yes, that's what I've been going through these past six months... there has been a gap, and something has been missing. I've felt the kind of test of my faith that I have never before felt, despite childhood traumas, curves and unexpected twists in my life, Sophia's surgeries, nothing has ever shaken my beliefs the way these past six months of trying to have a baby have. More on that later.

Things are okay now, my missing part is back, my hiatus is over. Praise God. He is so patient with me.