Angels

When I began spotting Thursday evening, even though it was the lightest spotting (I had much heavier bleeding during my pregnancy with Amelia), I just knew something was gravely wrong. In fact, for about a week, I had already had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that things were not alright with the baby, but I shooed those feeling away. I convinced myself it was fine, and I pretended Thursday and Friday that the spotting was normal. When I called the doctor on call Friday night (not my doctor) and she told me not to worry, I wanted to say "you're wrong, my baby won't make it," but instead I sighed a sigh of relief and pretended to believe her. All day Saturday, the feelings of dread grew stronger and harder to ignore. I had told Davis that I was spotting, but didn't tell him until Saturday night that I thought I was losing the baby. He said "go to the ER right now!"

And so I did. And as soon as I did, I could no longer ignore my dread. I felt a tightness in my chest, my heart raced and ached. Still, I wanted to hold it together in case I was wrong. I put on a brave face and told nurses things like, "I'm sure I'm just being paranoid, the spotting is light..." But right before the ultrasound tech put her wand on my stomach, the moment that I knew someone would know whether my baby was really alive or not, I completely lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably. The tech couldn't tell me anything and her face was like stone, but during those 20 minutes that she scanned and scanned and scanned, and the hour afterward while I waited for the doctor to come tell me, things were dark. I felt profoundly alone and the dread was like a sucking black hole in the center of my chest - I couldn't focus on anything, I could no longer reassure myself. When the doctor finally walked in, I thought this is the moment I will remember for the rest of my life, whatever words he says now will stick with me forever. "Well, I have some bad news. There was no heartbeat. I'm sorry." Even though I already knew, those words tore through me, and I will remember them forever.

I had started reaching out and texting friends when I arrived in the ER. And by the next morning, they were texting and calling and emailing and showing up at my door. And they started praying. As some of my friends hugged me, I wept hard, and their embraces would tighten. More phone calls and emails and blog comments and texts flooded in from people praying for me. As I started feeling the isolation that comes with grief, I remembered those brave women who have shared their own stories of loss with me - directly or through their blogs.

One of the saddest moments of my life, was looking at my baby on ultrasound yesterday - my perfect, tiny baby, with feet and hands and a sweet little face. My baby who should have been waving and wiggling and bouncing around, was still. My baby's heart, which should have been flickering, was still. But as soon as my heartache became too much, my friend who was with me wrapped her arms around me and held me so tight as I cried. When I was briefly away from Davis in the pre-op area this morning, my dear friend and a deacon at church came and prayed with me and gave me a precious gift. As she held me, I heard the beating of her heart like the steady beat of a drum, reminding me that we are alive and not alone. When I was in the operating room, right before I was put to sleep, my OB walked up to the head of my bed and he stood there and looked me in the eyes - it's the last thing I remember, and all I felt was thankful and safe that I was in his hands.

And as those around me cloaked me in hugs and prayers, the peace came. For two days now, I have been at peace. I am intensely sad, but I am no longer anxious. I no longer feel out of control, there is no more sucking void, no more tightness in my chest.

This morning as I showered and dressed and packed my bag for the hospital, when I walked through those hospital doors - the same hospital where I had delivered my girls and spent days in Labor and Delivery in preterm labor with Henry - and when I filled out paperwork and answered hard questions asked by strangers, I felt calm. When I woke up from anesthesia and realized I was no longer pregnant, I was alone with a nurse I did not know, and I cried, but I did not feel alone. I was not consumed. When I lay in bed late at night in the dark and feel soaked in sorrow, I literally feel the arms of my friends around me. I can feel hands on my shoulders, I can feel being pulled closer, I can feel the beating of their hearts against my ear. And I don't feel alone. I feel their prayers like a shawl around me, protecting me. When waves of sadness come, it is those prayers and God's peace that keeps me from drowning. When I am alone, it is those lingering embraces that remind me I am not alone. When my body and mind need rest, it is only because of those prayers and God's peace that I have been given deep and merciful sleep. When I feel too fragile to walk out my door or write on my blog, it is the strength of those prayers and that support that I feel shielded and safe. Because of the bravery of those women who have shared their own grief with me, that I feel brave enough to do the same.

If you are one those angels who have been put in my path and prayed for me, reached out to me, hugged me, shared your own stories of loss - thank you. It is because of you that I am okay. And Lord, because of You I am not consumed; I have renewed hope every morning because of You.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
Psalm 28:7

A Thankful Heart

Even in mourning I just cannot ignore all of my blessings. The things I am praising God for tonight are

*my husband, who is the best Daddy to all of our children - both our living children and our angels
*my girls, who are the most compassionate, wise, funny, sweet souls in the world
*Henry, who is like a ray of sunshine in my life right now - his smile cuts through all of my sadness
*my friends, who have dropped everything to be with me, pray with me, provide me with unlimited hugs and babysitting and meals and support
*my church and its clergy and staff, who have covered me in prayers
*my doctor, who was more compassionate and reassuring than I could have hoped today, and also focused on a plan for running tests and aggressively pursuing answers, which feels like the right direction right now
*my doctor's nurse, who called me this morning and shared that she also had lost a baby at 11 weeks, who understood every nonsense thing I said, and prayed for me on the phone
*the ultrasound tech, who tenderly allowed me one last look at my baby
*that my doctor and the hospital were able to schedule my D&C for tomorrow, which allowed me today to get all of my ducks in a row but is soon enough that I do not have to worry any longer about miscarrying naturally, and also gives me time to heal before I have to go back to work next week
*God's peace, which allowed me merciful, deep sleep last night
*all of the women who have shared their own stories of loss with me - from strangers to close friends and family - dissipating the loneliness and isolation that comes with losing a baby
*a delay in the burial of my friend's recently lost twin babies, which means next week they will buried together with my baby, a source of comfort for both my friend and I
*that our truck broke down this afternoon, allowing Davis a chance to "fix" something with his hands, and allowing us to work together and be distracted for a few hours
*the girls' schools and teachers, who have cloaked our girls and our family in love
*my brother's healthy new baby boy - even though I have to love him from afar for now (he lives in California and I won't get out to see them for a couple of months), he is a huge source of joy for me
*my friend Carla's Italian turkey soup and fresh rolls, which are warming in my kitchen right now and are the first food that has really sounded good in two days... and which I'm going to go eat now!

For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.
Isaiah 54:10

Baby

We lost our baby.

Thursday evening I started spotting lightly, and figured that I had just overdone it with all that cooking and turkey-lifting, so I spent most of Friday and all day Saturday lying on the couch watching football. The spotting stayed light, but I also had some cramps, and more than anything I just knew something was wrong. Davis finally convinced me to go into the ER last night. I knew deep down that the news would be bad, but I still wasn't prepared for the doctor telling me there was no heartbeat. I've heard those words before, and I know that moment will replay itself in my mind for the rest of my life. Everyone at the hospital, especially the ER doctor I saw, was wonderful. Around midnight I came home and just laid in bed awake until Henry woke up at 5 a.m. I have never been more happy to hear his too-early morning cries - I literally ran into his room to get him. Telling the girls was so, so hard. Amelia just keeps saying "our baby died, he's not coming back" over and over again. Sophia is Sophia - all she's done is draw pictures for me and bring me food and drinks in bed and try to make me feel better, but I can tell she's hurting too. She said "this is such a sad day for us." And it is.

I've cried my first ocean of tears, and now alone (Davis and the kids are just in the yard - he won't leave me in case the bleeding gets too heavy) the waves of self-doubt and wondering have started. But I will not be consumed.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23

Thanksgiving 2010

What a perfect day it was! It started off in the 70's, but ended in the 20's, so the temperature was dropping rapidly all day as rain came down - just as the kitchen was heating up.

I started in the kitchen at 8:00 a.m. and pretty much cooked non-stop until 4:00 p.m. I loved it! Cooking all day when I have nothing else to do is great.

The kids enjoyed a quiet morning playing together. Having our whole family at home makes us all so happy!

They even ventured out into the rain, where Davis was building a fire in the backyard.

Henry got tired of the noise in the house and slept on the grass next to Daddy when the rain let up for a little while. He took one of the longest, deepest naps of his life out there. He is his father's son!

My dad, step-mom and half-brother came over and watched football and kept me company and played with the girls. And then... the feast!

I can't believe I forgot to take a picture of the turkey - it was gorgeous and HUGE! 18 lbs! Davis gets really mad if we don't have lots of leftover turkey, so I played it safe!

I'm the only one who likes pumpkin pie (how crazy is that?!) so I got my own little pie, while everyone else had chocolate pie.

By 8:00 p.m. every single person - young and old - was asleep!

Gratitude

On Veteran's Day, I spent a quiet morning at home alone with Henry and Amelia. We didn't want to go anywhere, so we made a gratitude tree out of sticks found in the backyard. We made leaves out of tea-dyed printer paper and sewing thread. And every night at dinner since, we've all said something that we're thankful for, which we've written on the leaves and hung on the tree.

Doing this every day around Thanksgiving makes me want to do this every day year-round. There is no way you can have a bad dinner if you start by saying what you're thankful for. There is no way to have a bad attitude, no way to feel weary or sad, no way to feel angry or disappointed, when you stop and start listing out the things you're thankful for. Our family, healthy bodies, plenty of good food to eat, our many wonderful friends, our church, a home, a stable job, answered prayers, babies, grandparents, schools that nurture our children, forgiveness daily, the beautiful leaves outside (some of which we gathered on a walk for Family Night this week and put under the gratitude tree)... so, so much to be thankful for.

And like counting stars, swaff, as you start listing all of your blessings, you are reminded of more and more, and they become uncountable, infinite. And like counting stars, you are humbled, in awe. Everything petty and hurtful drifts away, and your heart is filled, your cup runneth over.

May all you be reminded of all the blessings in your life this Thanksgiving!

Lunch

Leftover black bean and pumpkin soup (so yum!) and spinach and turkey roll ups.

And while we're at it, let's talk about pumpkins. Because it's fall and I'm talking about seasonal vegetables and pumpkin is the ultimate fall veggie. Pumpkins look like this

Okay, not really. One time my school teacher aunt asked her first graders to draw a fish and one of them drew a fish stick. No kidding.

Anyway, pumpkin is a vegetable (along with beans) that I will make an exception to my no-vegetables-in-a-can rule. And really, for no good reason, because like other hard winter squashes, you can easily cook it by cutting in half, roasting cut-side down, and then just scooping out the insides. But in a can is even faster and easier, and thankfully pumpkin's many nutrients are still mostly in tact when they come from Libby's instead of fresh from the patch.

Pumpkins are a super excellent source of beta carotene. In fact, one mashed cup of pumpkin offers you 245% of your daily recommended value of Vitamin A!

I am the only member of my family who will eat a pumpkin pie. This is traaaagic, because it means on Thanksgiving Day, I will have to eat a whole pie myself.

My non-recipes for pumpkin is that I basically just add it to everything this time of year. Pumpkin pancakes, muffins, cakes, breads, etc. I just make my normal recipes (for example, The Pancake, though just a plain ol' flour, sugar, milk, egg, butter, baking powder pancake will do) and then dump in some pumpkin puree. Little Henry ate three big pumpkin pancakes this morning!

To Do

This is my dad's first Thanksgiving without my grandmother, his mom, so we've invited him and my stepmom and half-brother up to have Thanksgiving at our house this year. I'm excited, because I love hosting Thanksgiving and I've only done it a couple of times, because usually we go to California to see my mom.

But I have kind of been in denial about Thanksgiving being next week, and I have to work through Wednesday this week... so this weekend this is what my to do list looks like. And as of 8:17 p.m. Sunday, this is how much of it is done.

•	Clean out car & vacuum
•	Drop clothes off with India
•	Grocery shopping for week and Thanksgiving
•	Wash dining room curtains
•	Wash windows
•	Clean up dining room & update bulletin board
•	Bake applesauce cake for Amelia's class
•	Dust
•	Wash backpacks
•	Wash sheets
•	Clean stove & fridge & wipe down other appliances
•	Re-decorate mantel
•	Update gratitude tree
•	Clean off desk
•	Sort through summer/winter clothes & pack away/Goodwill

Actually, I have one set of sheets washed, I have Amelia's cake baked but not frosted, and I'm about 1/2 way through the clothes, so I'm a little more done. Well, except I also have my normal Sunday night to do list too, like laying out everyone's clothes for tomorrow and checking my work calendar for the week. Oh AND, I cleaned the stove, yeah. But then I made shepherd's pie for dinner and it bubbled up over the pan and now my stove it a wreck again.

At least it was a really yummy dinner.

Man, the rest of that list looks daunting, especially since it's already past my bedtime. Well, my pregnant bedtime. If only I could clone that hour between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. - I am ON FIRE during that hour!

Henry

Henry



He's so cute



Especially when his sister draws him.

Daddy

I feel so lucky that my children get to have a parent at home, especially one as loving and fun as their Daddy. Sometimes I do wonder what goes on here all day while I'm gone (especially when I come home to a kitchen covered in flour). You know, what kind of intellectually stimulating activities my children are exposed to all day.

Well here's the answer.

Baby Strawberry

It cracks me up that pregnancy sites always compare fetuses to fruits and vegetables when they tell you how big your baby is - I guess they figure FOOD is the one thing all pregnant women can relate to! So, I'm 9 week and 5 days pregnant and thought I'd blog about it all...
First of all, if you need a chuckle, go back and read how many times on this blog I mentioned that Henry was our last baby. Then say "ha! famous last words!" Nothing like a history of infertility and nursing amenorrhea to give silly old me a whopping surprise! But of course, we are thrilled. Davis, he was super thrilled from the start (he always wanted FIVE, I always three, so I guess this four will be our compromise!), the girls were giddy when we showed them the ultrasound and told them the news. I have to be honest, I'm still a little in disbelief mode, coupled with a little fear, but it's turning into excitement.

I feel good. Tired. Thirsty. Hungry. But good. I'm still nursing Henry, though he needs to be weaned by the time my preterm labor risk goes up in a few months, so he's also starting to get some bottles. He's working on his sleeping, and it's slowly getting better. Other than feeling a little bit like I'm running on empty most of the time, and crying buckets when I finally watched last season's finale of Glee, I don't feel very pregnant yet.

I'll check back in when things get a little more interesting.

A Fall Vegetable

Not too many years ago, fresh fruits and vegetables were precious and only available seasonally. My mom has a July birthday, and in Austria strawberries were only available around her birthday, and she loved them on her cake. Now our global marketplace allows us to eat pretty much anything anytime. This is fabulous when you're pregnant and craving strawberries in the dead of winter, or you live in Arkansas and have a baby who loves mangoes. Unfortunately, I think it's actually hurt our society's eating habits sometimes. Produce that has been shipped all over the world is more expensive (and harms the environment in the process), leading people to choose canned or processed foods rather than seeking out fresh foods that are in season.

So, with that lecture out of the way, let me introduce you to Henry's favorite food (at the moment): BUTTERNUT SQUASH.

Butternut squash is sweet and oh so easy to cook. It's a fabulous source of fiber, vitamin C, vitamin A, magnesium and potassium. And everyone loves it! I bought a HUGE butternut squash at Whole Foods yesterday (I mean huge) and thought I would cook it all so that Henry could snack on it for a few days, and... no leftovers (and this was with a roast and salad)! Store it in a cool, dry place, and it will stay fresh for months. Offer it to your baby and it will be gone in minutes.

Butternut squash can be roasted (like most winter squashes) simply by cutting it in half, removing the seeds, brushing some oil on it, and then placing it cut side down on a baking sheet, and roasting for 45-60 minutes. If you want to be fancy, you can roast wedges with butter and brown sugar or maple syrup. You can make soup, bread, pie, risotto and lots of other things with the roasted squash (if you can keep your baby from eating it all!)

Or if you don't have time, you can do what I did tonight - make Butternut Squash with Brown Butter (a Martha Stewart recipe). Peel and cut the squash into 3/4 inch cubes.


Brown 2 Tablespoons butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat. When the butter is nice and brown, add the squash and cook, stilling occasionally, until soft - about 15 minutes. Then add 1/2 cup chicken broth, 1/4 cup water, and 1 Tablespoon brown sugar and continue cooking until the liquid has cooked off - about 6 more minutes.

Brrr!

It's in the 30's and our heater broke. Can you think of a better excuse for


?

Beautiful Days

Well, I didn't take a nap yesterday. But I did go to bed at 7:30 p.m., so that's basically the same thing.

After dropping Sophia off at school and coming back home to enjoy a couple of hours of doing nothing (except a little project that I'll share soon), Amelia, Henry and I headed to the park with my friend Sarah and her three kiddos for a picnic. It was gorgeous outside, absolutely, amazingly beautiful!

It did my heart good to spend a quiet day with my children out in the sunshine.

I just found some pictures on my camera from my trip to D.C. last week. Kind of sad - I didn't get pictures of the fun we had with Julie and her kids or the amazing fall foliage up there. But I did get a picture of how happy Henry is when it's just him and Mommy

I think he wonders why we can't stay in hotels all the time - just the two of us and room service.

Walking from our bed and breakfast to Julie's house - it was chilly in the mornings!

And at the airport, just passing time. When I traveled with the girls as babies, I would pack tons of toys in their bag. Henry has to amuse himself with a lens cap.

And in other random news, Henry sprouted a second tooth and at his 9 month appointment this morning he was in the 30th percentile for height and weight. I love having a LITTLE baby (for a change)! Other than getting over a little cold, he checked out perfectly. I love having boring doctor's appointments!

Happy Weekend!

Tired

This is how I feel:

Henry at the airport

Henry and I went to D.C. last week for a conference (Henry didn't have a conference, but I did) and then we spend the weekend in Takoma Park, Maryland with my dear friend Julie and her sweet family. We had tons of fun. First of all, it was gorgeous up there - the leaves were amazing and the weather was perfect (chilly!!!) Saturday we went to a Russian food festival, but mostly we just hung out. Henry was so happy to have me all to himself again, he was a perfect travel companion.

In fact, he's having some trouble adjusting to life back at home (his own crib and competing with his sisters for my attention!) so we're not sleeping well. And things have just been crazy busy since we got back Sunday night. One of my best friends is going through a very difficult time right now, and I'm so heartbroken for her. Christmas is six weeks away, and I have never in my life made it to November without having bought a single gift or had my cards ordered. And there's a little grape-sized person growing inside of me and zapping me of any remaining brain-cells and energy I might have had.

I'm tired!

BUT I just realized that tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have to work, which is fabulous. I can finally get unpacked and take a moment to catch my breath. And maybe a nap.

More Things to Love About Fall Wordless Wednesday Edition