More Sadness

My friend, Bill, died tonight. I don't feel like blogging a birthday party. I want to take a little vacation - someplace I can just go and be sad for a little while, like just one day of crying without putting on a brave face for my kids or coworkers. But, I can't, and maybe that's good. We have Henry's party to look forward to next weekend, visitors from out of town, happiness. Another insanely busy week at work.

Life goes on, ob-la-di ob-la-da.

I DO promise I'll be back soon with happy posts about parties and crazy funny things my kids have been doing and yummy recipes and other wonderful blessings in my life right now.

Halfway to Nowhere

I was going to post Amelia's birthday party pictures today... but then I realized, I would have been twenty weeks pregnant today. I can't really think anything other than IT'S NOT FAIR! right now. So... tomorrow, party and pictures - I promise!

Kangaroos on Jupiter

Things are a little crazy this week. It's almost funny how busy I am at work... I have this system for managing my "to do" list, basically I put stars next to each item. Four stars for things that must be done today, three stars for things that must be done this week, two stars for things to do ASAP, and one star for "eventually" items. Today I had meetings literally back to back all day, and the only unscheduled time was from 10:30-11:00 a.m., with my last meeting ending at 5:30. So at 3:30 as I was running from one meeting to the next, I glanced at my to do list for today and there were SEVEN items on there with four stars! You know what I did? I laughed. (It wasn't really that funny, since it's now 10:45 p.m. and I'm working my way through those items)

At home, everyone except me is sick. I felt bad leaving sick Davis home with three sick kids today, but they all survived. I stopped at Walgreens on the way home and got drugs for everyone, and they were all asleep by 7:15 p.m.

Today, Sophia told Davis "Daddy? Did you know Jupiter is really big, that means it has a LOT of gravity. Kangaroos on Jupiter can't jump very high. They are just flat." And then she laid down on the ground to demonstrate.

Davis and Henry are asleep in our bed, Amelia is asleep in a little heap on the floor at my feet, and Sophia is asleep on the couch. I'm going to ferry everyone to their beds and try to get some sleep, because tomorrow's schedule? Even worse than today.

Four

This sweet, sweet, happy girl turned FOUR today! I just really can't believe it. Four breaks my heart a little bit, because in my mind is the end of "toddler." And Amelia really did got from a toddler to a little girl this past year. She is so good at expressing herself verbally now, she is funny and has this great new intuition and empathy and ability to relate to people. That girl doesn't miss a thing! She is so, so GOOD right now. She just wants to please everyone, which is HARD when you're three four years old and in the middle of a crazy family like ours ha!

She's still wonderfully quirky and herself. She did NOT want to turn four years old (just like she didn't want to turn three last year!) She just doesn't like change, but once she gets over it, she is fully on board with the new thing. For example, she was extremely upset that she would not have her teacher Miss Susan again at the beginning of this year, but literally 5 minutes after meeting Miss Martha, she was fiercely devoted to her (and now does not ever want to leave her). And so it was with three - she was adamant that she did not want to turn four years old, but now that she is four, this is the age she wants to stay. You won't hear this girl talking about "four and a half" (unlike her sister, who turned "five and a half" two weeks after her fifth birthday!) What's funny, is that she finally decided four was okay when she realized that she would now get TWO gummy vitamins instead of one. Silly girl!

I went to her school this morning and brought cookies to her class. I had the best time. I just LOVE her school, and I love that they just let us pesky parents hang out as much as we want to! I spent about an hour just watching her on the playground and sitting on the floor during story time (with the cutest little twins in my lap!) It's fun seeing Amelia with her friends. The best part was when the kids practiced their letters, they would each say which letter their name started with. Well, because I was there, Miss Martha asked Amelia what letter her mommy's name "Vera" started with. Then the other kids wanted to say what name their mommy's name started with. Guess what? ALL their mommy's names started with...M! Ha ha ha! "Mom" or "Mommy." I loved it!

After Little Red Riding Hood, Amelia was terrified of wolves. I mean, like she had to sleep in our bed for a week and refused to go anywhere alone - even the bathroom! It was bad. And we tried everything to convince her there were no wolves in our house, or in the city, and that real wolves didn't eat grandmothers and dress up to trick little girls. But nothing helped. I was desperate. Then she overheard Sophia and I talking about wolves from Little House in the Big Woods, which takes place in Wisconsin, and Amelia knows that we have family there, so she was freaked out even more. Finally, I just told her that there are no more wolves in Wisconsin, and that actually the only place now that there are wolves is Canada, and that we are NEVER going to Canada because it is too far away. I was kind of shocked that I just totally lied to her, because I really don't usually do that, but... it worked! She's totally fine now that all the wolves are in Canada.

Amelia is the best sister to Henry, she just adores him so much. She helps him if he gets stuck or needs something, and she is still the person who can make him smile easier than anyone else.

She loves to dress up and to color. In fact, she spends probably 90% of her waking hours coloring or playing with play doh while wearing a princess or butterfly costume. Oh man, I love this girl!

I have all these fabulous pictures that my fabulous friend Gretchan took with her fabulous camera of Amelia's fabulous birthday party on Saturday. BUT it is after 11pm and I am still working on the slides for a conference I'm speaking at in April, which I need to get done TODAY, so I will have to do the party post another day (and tomorrow is out because I have church meetings both BEFORE and two AFTER work!) But soon, I promise!

Sadness (A Long and Rambling Post)

It's been a very HAPPY week, first of all. I got to spend Monday at a friend's house - she moved only about 30 minutes away, but we are finding it harder to get together now (that's pitiful, and we've vowed to be better about it!). So because it was a holiday and I wasn't working, the kids and I went to her house and had a playdate with her girls and another friend and her three kids (does that even make sense? Basically, the playroom got TRASHED). Then I went on a trip in the middle of the week for work, to Fayetteville, and I got to see another friend who moved there last year and another friend who lives there. We went to dinner and my favorite Thai restaurant - when I was in college (they did not have a website at the time), basically all I ate was pad Thai from there, kettle corn from the farmer's market, and pizza. I also got to wander around my favorite bookstore (not only did they not have a Facebook page when I went to college, Facebook didn't exist!) Yesterday was Amelia's birthday party, which started at 3 pm, and because some sweet friends lingered, didn't end until around 8 pm. It was fun and happy, and I'll post about it tomorrow.

This blog is a little odd, I guess, because it is both a place that I post updates about what we're up to, and random recipes and things, but it also turned into somewhat of a journal for me at some point. I have always written a lot, in one form or another. I have boxes of journals in the attic, which keep me awake with worry at the thought of anyone ever reading them. I can't even read some of them, they are so mortifying, but it feels like a betrayal of my younger self to throw them out (or better yet, burn them!) I have a little book published under a pen name. I am famous (more like infamous, I'm sure) for writing ridiculously long emails. I used to write letters like that - Davis has a few of them saved in the attic too.

I have a group of friends and some family who read to keep up with us, since I'm NOT on Facebook (here's why). But then also, this blog has connected me with some other friends - friends who I have not (yet!) met in person, but who are bonded with me through the grief of losing babies. And having those connections is such a blessing. Because this thing is HARD, and those who haven't been through it will ever really understand. It makes me sad to think that women not too long ago went their whole lives carrying a burden like this alone. My great aunt had a baby, and he died just a few days after birth from an infection that also required her to have a hysterectomy. Her only child. And she never talked about him, about her grief. Even today, too many women have miscarriages and go through it all alone, and that makes me sad. Because this thing is HARD, and it's isolating and lonely, because those who haven't been though it will ever really understand. So I also blog for anyone out there who needs to know that they are NOT alone and some of us DO understand. Reading the blogs of others who have been through it has been such a blessing to me.

Since Violet died, I have been "okay." I have a great life, and I can't even count all of the things I have to be thankful for (though I make a point of thinking about them often!). But my heart is heavy, and unfortunately it's bringing my brain down with it. I am distracted and I have a really hard time concentrating and remembering things. Sometimes it really sucks, to be honest. I've forgotten things I needed to do at work, and I've basically gotten to where I need to do something the minute I think of it or write it down. I feel a little "hazy" often, like I have to force myself to be totally present in the moment. I have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep.

And though I truly know that I AM okay, I also know, I have the blues. And there's not really anything that needs to be done about it... someone suggested counseling, but really, it's just simply that my baby died. And I'm sad. That's all. I have been through this before, and I know time and God will heal these wounds. They are already healing, and in the coming year, these blues will fade away. I will always have my Violet in my heart, the way no one else on this earth does (and THAT is one of the hardest, most isolating things about this). I'm not sure how I'll ever love Thanksgiving again. Every June 18th, I'll remember what should have been. But, all in all, time will pass and what feels raw and jagged now will smooth over. I read back on my posts from a few weeks ago, and I am thankful that I am in a different place than I was then. And in a few more weeks, I will read back on this thread and be thankful that things are better.

Tonight, it was cold in our house and the girls and I were so warm, snuggled up for our bedtime stories on the couch, that we broke our one-story-each rule and just kept reading until Amelia was snoring. We read Christina Katrina and the Box (the book Sophia is taking to show and tell tomorrow as her favorite bedtime story), Angelina Ballerina, Benjamin Bunny, The Blizzard, and The Velveteen Rabbit. And I cried and cried all through the Velveteen Rabbit. I have no idea why, and when Sophia said "MOM! What's wrong with you?!" I started laughing. These emotions, they are crazy and exhausting, but they are healing too. I think I just needed a good cry, so thank you Velveteen Rabbit, I do feel better now.

Snow!

I said I would be 100% happy here with Trader Joe's, Ikea, and In In Out Burger. But that's not totally true. There's one more thing I wish for... snow. I get sad every winter, when I think about growing up with snow on the ground all winter, and that my children don't get that. I learned to ski when I learned to walk. My oldest daughter is five and a half and she's never skied. We built snowmen and went ice skating over and over again all winter long. I couldn't even imagine a Christmas without snow on the ground. We bundled up and stomped through thick snow to get to school (five miles, on foot... just kidding)

Here when it snows, the world shuts down. And yes, those of us who grew up with snow laugh and make fun, but I'm SO GLAD! Because it means on those rare occasions when we get a few fluffy inches of glorious snow, we can spend a day making snow angels



having snowball fights with the neighbors



coming inside for stuffed French toast and hot chocolate



and finding giant ice crystals



and using them to make an ornate ice dress for our lovely snowwoman.



They may be rare, but snow days are the best!

I have three snowballs in my freezer - one from each of the kids' first snows, in 2005, 2007, and 2010. And as of last week, I also have a giant icicle in my freezer



I am NOT keeping that one!

A New Pancake

So, for years I made a different pancake recipe every weekend, because I thought I was searching for the perfect one. But then I found the perfect one, and now I've realized that it's boring making the same pancakes every week. So I've kept experimenting and trying different recipes, lately in a quest to make a healthier pancake. Here is the latest, which is healthy and yummy and especially good with a handful of blueberries thrown in!

Healthy Pancakes

1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup flax seed meal
1 Tablespoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons brown sugar

1 3/4 cups milk
1 egg
2 egg whites
1/4 cup butter, melted

Combine the dry ingredients until well blended. In a separate bowl, whip the eggs until fluffy and add milk and butter. Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients and stir.

Everyone loved them, especially Mr. Pancake - Henry ate THREE BIG ONES! I remember my brother could eat a stack of a dozen pancakes, yikes! I guess when Henry gets bigger I won't be able to freeze leftover pancakes for the rest of the week!

Have I ever told you that my mom sends me biannual packages from Trader Joe's? There are two things I have to have from there: seasoned rice vinegar, which I use in everything, and their grade B maple syrup, which is a little less sweet and a lot more yummy than the grade A stuff you get everywhere else. We go through 4 (big - they're 25 fl oz) bottles a year, and if Trader Joe's would make its way here I would be so happy! Trader Joe's and Ikea, and I would be one happy Southern girl! Oh and maybe In N Out Burger too. THEN I would be 100% happy here.

What Did Mothers Do...

I think I've mentioned before, that Sophia and I are reading Laura Ingralls's Little House books, one chapter a night, after Henry and Amelia are in bed. Our bookmark is an index card with new words on it - words like "butcher." We look at these pictures to help us really understand how a hog is butchered before it is salted and hung up to freeze and dry before the long winter. Sophia is learning more about life back in "the olden days," getting a little more grounded in things like where our food comes from, how precious things like sugar and new dresses really are.

But me, I think re-reading these books as a mother now, I am getting the better education. Sometimes, when I'm trying to do something and I throw Henry a handful of Cheerios to keep him happy, I think what did mothers do before Cheerios? Or PBS Kids? Or double strollers?

But the thing is, I do know what mothers did. I think about Caroline and her life in the woods and on the prairie. It was a hard life, for sure. But it was so much simpler. They didn't need Cheerios to keep their babies happy while waiting for their coffee at Starbucks, because they weren't running to Starbucks during nap time. They didn't need PBS Kids to entertain their children while they tried to check email, because they weren't checking email. They didn't need double strollers to run errands all over town, because they didn't drag their children all over town. They weren't trying to juggle their houses, their children, their careers, their childrens' social calendars and extra curriculars, their church volunteer duties... they put food on the table and made sure their children were safe, and when night fell, they listened to Pa play his fiddle and went to bed. Putting food on the table meant painstakingly churning butter and molding it into lovely little pats, it meant turning month-old salt pork into a meal with simple cornbread and handpicked beans. But it was beautiful, simple work. There was no constant tugging in a million different directions.

Right now I'm churning butter. The children are within feet of me, playing with their cornhusk doll. Right now I'm churning butter.

When I am cooking dinner, chopping five different vegetables - vegetables not in season, which have been shipped halfway across the world and taken for granted as they are easily plopped into my shopping basket - and listening to Pandora, helping Amelia with her Weekly Reader, talking to Davis on the phone to coordinate just exactly what time dinner will be ready, imploring Sophia to pick her many tiny Barbie accessories up off the living room floor before Henry eats them, my brain is abuzz.

Right now I am chopping vegetables. I still haven't addressed Henry's birthday invitations but I think I texted everyone the date just to be sure. I have a meeting Wednesday and I need my blue suit, which I forgot to pick up at the dry cleaner's. We have a birthday party in two weeks, but I can't find the invitation, and I need to email the mom to RSVP and get the details again. I need to make sure I have Henry's one year check up and Amelia's four year check up on the big calendar. Does Sophia have a clean white shirt for tomorrow? I need to tell Davis to check the outlet in Henry's room when he gets home. I forgot my grandfather's birthday yesterday. I still have a letter to write on my father's behalf to his attorney. I need to find a sitter for the auction next month. Right now I am chopping vegetables, but my mind is so far away.

It doesn't help that my work calendar looks like this



And so, as I think about life on the prairie, I think about simplifying. I think about the things that keep me from being able to chop vegetables in peace. The things that keep me up well after darkness falls. The things that make life so complicated and distracting. Because, when it comes right down to it, I just want to put food on our table and keep my children safe. Yes, there are some other things that must be done - going to work, getting the oil changed, going to the doctor. But there are always ways to cut back; and when my brain feels constantly abuzz, that's when I know. It's time to cut back, and it's time to organize. So, we have spent many days cleaning out the attic, organizing cabinets, purging, purging. And all the while, I am making an effort to take care of things as soon as I think of them, to keep a written to do list, to get those constant mental reminders and nagging thoughts out of my head, purging, purging.

Because the reward is priceless - it is PEACE. It is being able to give a child my undivided attention. It is being able to focus. To pour love into the stew that I am cooking. It is restful sleep.

I'm Her!

I don't judge other moms when I see them out in public, pretty much no matter what, because I know! I know this one moment does not define them, and I know the front door of the store is miles away when your child is having a fit. And today, I was that mom. I took Amelia to Walmart to get her glasses adjusted, because they kept falling off, and her eye doctor told us on Friday that she needs to wear them all the time now. I took Henry with me too. So, while we were there, I decided to shop for a few things that we needed and that were cheap there - file folders, spray paint, paper towels, etc. and a bottle of $4 wine to cook with - I needed it for dinner tonight.

By the end of the trip, Amelia was worn out and whiny and Henry was beyond worn out - he was screaming and arching his back. When the checkout girl got to the wine, she told me that she couldn't ring it up because she was under 21 (of course she was, she looked like she was 12! How old am I that I had this thought?!) So she called the manager, and we waited. We kept waiting. And waiting. I was not going to drag the kids to the liquor store for more expensive wine, and I was not going to make this dinner without any wine, because I knew it wouldn't taste as good. So we waited. Meanwhile, the five people with full carts behind me stared at me like oh my gosh! that mom! she's making her baby scream while she's just standing there waiting for her precious bottle of wine!

To make up for my Bad Mommy post, here is a picture of my angel. My friend Paula took this during her Christmas Pageant last month.

Feeding Baby: 11 Months

As I've talked about before here and here, we skipped the whole baby food thing and have mostly been feeding Henry what we eat. Occasionally I'll use a jar of Earth's Best baby food to add some extra veggie-power to something (like a jar of carrots to his spaghetti). Sometimes he got baby food when I was traveling (though often he'd split a cobb salad with me - he got the egg yolk and avocado and chewed on the crust of whatever bread came with it).

Well, I thought I'd share what he's eating these days. He must be going through a growth spurt, because right now he's eating big portions! Here is our menu for this week, and what Henry gets:

Sunday - moo shu pork and vegetables and pancakes (Henry eats everything we eat - all the veggies and meat are shredded)

Monday - beef stew, french bread, salad (Henry eats stew - I chop his beef, carrots, and potatoes very small and he feeds himself)

Tuesday - breakfast for dinner by Daddy (I'm in class Tuesday nights) (Henry eats leftover stew with a jar of carrot baby food mixed in, and a little eggs and sausage)

Wednesday - linguini with clams, big salad (Henry hasn't had shellfish yet, so he has blueberries and strawberries from our salad and some leftover barley soup from the freezer)

Thursday - vegetarian chili, cornbread (Henry eats everything we eat)

Friday - French onion soup (Henry has leftover veggie chili and a little French onion soup)

As you can see, we eat a lot of soups and stews this time of year. In the summer you'd see lots of salads.

For breakfast he often eats eggs or yogurt or oatmeal and some fruit. He's especially fond of blueberries and bananas these days. He does like this, although I have a really hard time feeding it to him, because it looks like vomit. Yuck! Oh and give that baby a pancake and he is one happy little dude - no syrup required! I also usually have a giant freezer bag of whole wheat banana mini muffins in the freezer, which the girls and Henry have for breakfast or snacks during the week.

For lunch, he sometimes eats leftovers or just a bunch of random things on his tray - today he had small pieces of cheese, pears, ham and wheat crackers. I also freeze small portions of soup (I just make extra when I make it for dinner) and keep them in the freezer for the kids to have for lunch during the week.

Henry still nurses, though he's also getting (this) formula, because my milk supply dropped dramatically when I was pregnant and never came back. We're happy doing a combo right now and will keep it up for a while longer.

No Kissing!

Over the Hills and Through the Woods...

Last weekend, we went to visit my in-laws in the country (like we do the week after Christmas every year). Although I didn't get the snow I ordered (I got it here at home today instead!), it was lovely.

My mother-in-law goes out into the woods and finds a little tree for her Christmas tree. She cuts it down and drags it into the house all by herself and decorates it with old, old meaningful ornaments and lots of tinsel. To me, that is the perfect Christmas tree.

We exchanged gifts

and probably the best gift this Christmas (other than The Gift) were these amazing capes my mother-in-law made for the girls, along with little baskets and Little Red Riding Hood books!

We ate goood stuff cooked in bacon grease and sat in the freezing cold to admire the clear, country sky at night. Davis and the kids went for a hike and came running back when they were struck by a sudden downpour!

This was Amelia watching the horses eat apples - she was grinding her teeth like they do.

Then, every night, like she has since their first visits to the farm as infants, my mother-in-law rocked the girls to sleep.

This time Sophia asked sadly, "am I too big to rock?" but grandma said "no" and rocked her just the same as always.

*****

Today in church, the girls prayed for snow - and they go it! I'll get some pretty pictures of it tomorrow. In the meantime, here they are all bundled up and ready to go out and play.

They had the best time - snowball fights with the neighbor, walking up and down our sidewalk making snow tracks, making snow angels, catching snowflakes on their tongue. It made me wistful, as I remembered last year's snow. Henry was just one day old...

A Good Start

In 2010, the year started off with lots of drama. This year, no drama - things are nice and settled and calm. And for some reason, we've mostly spent the past month huddled together - our little family of five. We've pulled away just a little from the outside world, not as many play dates and visitors and social events.

We've unplugged the phone lots of nights. Sorry if you've called. And if you know me, you know I check messages about once a month; sorry about that too. We haven't spent much time on the computers or watching TV. Sorry if I owe you an email or blog comment. Once we even ignored a knock at the door. Sorry if that was you.

No, we've been very content to spend our days just hanging out at home. On weekends sometimes we've stayed in our pajamas all day and had leftover breakfast for lunch.

We've been practicing our photography as you can see, we've been sitting around on the floor all watching Henry entertain us, playing the new games we got for Christmas, baking, doodling and practicing writing, organizing the attic, reading, cleaning, talking, taking bubble baths together, deciding to leave that mistletoe hanging in the kitchen doorway... smooching. Things are good here at home. Sorry if I've neglected you, my friends and my blog.

This morning, in the car on the way to school, Sophia drew a lamb and showed it to us. Amelia said "I don't like lambs." We asked her why, and she said, "because they are the baaaaaaaadest." Ha ha ha ha ha! We laughed the whole rest of the way to school, with Amelia repeating "baaaadest."

Alli Cat

We got a kitty! We had a mouse in the house (again) and I freaked out and the next day we had a cat!

Amelia named her Alli. She's a year old and really cute. But she's terrified of us and lives under our bed. She comes out at night to eat, drink, use the litter box, and play hockey with a bottle cap. She's started sneaking out if I'm sitting on the bed alone, as long as I don't look directly at her or move suddenly. I was finally able to snap a picture of her - I had to turn off the flash so it's not a great picture.

I hope she feels more at home soon. Although I think I might have set things back a little yesterday... she fell asleep in my dresser drawer and I didn't realize it and closed it - when I came home from work and opened the drawer, she hopped out!! Davis was home all day and said she didn't make a peep. I sure screamed when a cat jumped out of my drawer!

Goodbye, Hello

GOODBYE...

the decade all of my children were born in

my girl starting school, and the realization that five years go by in a flash

turning 32, the age I've had high hopes for all these years

the decade I got married in, finished school, bought a house, got a job... grew up?

the year one of my babies was born and one of my babies died

the year that started with me on bedrest, my grandmother dying, Amelia having pneumonia, my father-in-law being in the hospital, and my father totalling his car and flooding his house in the same week

2010

HELLO....

10 years of marriage

visiting my new baby nephew

new eyes toward Heaven

hope for shedding those extra pounds...one more time!

1/1/11 one of the coolest dates

a raise (finally!)

the year that started silently, calmly, with me sitting at the computer while my family slept peacefully, healthily, full of blessings

2011

Happy New Year! Hope your Goodbyes are full of good memories and your Hellos are full of hope!