We didn't tell Sophia about the miscarriage, because we had only told her that we would be having another baby but would have to wait a long, long time. I pray that is still true.
So yesterday evening we were sitting on the couch, and Sophia said "talk to me about the baby, Mommy." I told her that we would have to wait until God gave us another baby, and that we should pray for one. She said "a baby brother?" I said "Sure, we can ask for a baby brother. But you know, Mommy would be so happy if God gave us a baby brother or a baby sister."
Well, this morning Sophia announced "God is holding ONE baby. I will hold FOUR babies" and ran off.
I listen to Sophia pretty closely, because God seems to reveal himself to her in unexpected ways. But I gotta tell you, that scared me a little bit. Does this mean if I get pregnant again we might end up with quads?! HA!
I was thinking that I always wanted three children, and that when I got pregnant again this last time I knew we would stop after this baby, etc... But when I look at how different my life is from all the plans I've made, how much better it is than I ever could have imagined, it's funny to me that I continue to plan away the rest of my life. All the "wrong" turns and heartaches and mistakes of my life - the things that I would have planned away if I had been in control - those are the things that have brought me here. And here feels so right.
In December, I was working at the second-largest law firm in my state with a pretty predictable and successful future. But our health insurance coverage was awful, and we could not afford the premiums plus the tens of thousands of out-of -pocked dollars we would have had to spend on Sophia's surgeries (for the third year in a row) in 2008.
With a tremendous amount of doubt and fear, I started looking for new jobs. Most of them were government jobs, because of the health benefits. Applying for government jobs is one of the most tedious, patience-testing, painful things I've ever done. I applied for one job, interviewed, got favorable feedback, and didn't hear back for THREE MONTHS (too late!). Sophia's surgery was scheduled for April 2nd, and I knew I would have to start my new job in March in order to be covered. It was one of the most stressful couple of months of my life. When I didn't hear back on a job, or when I was offered less money than we could afford to take, I felt overwhelmed with despair. It was a really dark time for me. But then at the end of February, I received this job offer and I was so glad that I hadn't taken any of those other jobs.
Not only is this a much, much better position that any of those others would have been, but the organization I work for, the people I work with, the money, the hours, the benefits, it's all better. And I never realized how stressed out I was at the firm, until I left. Plus, when I left the firm, I was told I could always come back after doing this for a few years (something I thought was impossible).
Of course the minute I started this job, I saw once again that I was foolish not to have more faith during that time. And I know now that, even though I didn't see myself doing this type of work at this time in my life, this is where I should be. This is where I need to be for my family. This is where God wants me.
I look at everything I have right now, and I am blessed. Whether we end up with zero new babies or four new babies, it's all in His plan.
And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and love which are in Christ Jesus.
-1 Timothy 1:14
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