Mothering, Intuition, Books, and Sister Mothers

Do you know why I love blogging?  Because this morning I read this post by my blog friend, Leighann, and in her comments I linked to this post of mine from last year.  And she commented on my post, which led to an email exchange that energized me to think about things... and ultimately this blog post.  I LOVE this blog sisterhood of mothers!  I am very choosy about the blogs that I read regularly, partly out of necessity because I need to limit computer time, but also because I want to spend that time reading from women whose opinions I value, not whose houses I envy.  Oh and I have GOOD mom blogs that I read!  They make me think about my own parenting decisions and motivate me to do a better job, women who have been real friends as we go through tough times, who are willing to engage in conversations without turning them into ugly debates, Blog Sisters.

I was telling a friend the other day, that I think I am in my favorite decade of life (but who knows, the next may be better!)  I have left behind the insecurity and uncertainty of my 20's, but still have the physical health and ability of being young (and I do thank God for that daily!).  I am confident in my decisions and the way that I choose to live my life, with not an ounce of keeping up with the Joneses or insecurity about my parenting.  I know what career I have, who my children will be (all of them!), what our priorities are, how to be happily married to Davis, who I am, what I want and don't want... life is good.

As with my Blog Sisters, I have surrounded myself with a sisterhood of mothers who support me rather than undermine me, who respect our parenting differences without defensiveness, who are wise and help me to be a better mother.  Many are a few steps ahead of me, with teenagers, a few are grandmothers, all of them are amazing mothers.  They are my village.

This morning, when I pulled up my Tiger Mom post from last year, I briefly skimmed it, just to remind myself what I wrote (my body may be healthy in my 30's, but by golly my memory is shot!) I saw what I wrote about hating parenting books, and I realized that I have changed my mind about that in the past year.  And that was what Leighanne and I talked about... So, now that my children are one year older, let me share my new and changed view about parenting books (parenting is nothing if not figuring things out as you go, and being willing to change your mind!)

What I still hate, are parenting books about BABIES, written for and read by new and expecting first time moms.  I truly believe that mothers (except, perhaps a very, very few whose mental illnesses or past damage have interfered) have within them the knowledge and intuition to care for their babies.  I feel sad for us 1970's kids who were left to cry, because some male doctor wrote a book telling our mothers not to spoil us.  I feel sad for mothers who can't get their baby to be happy, because none of the tricks they read about in some book worked.  I chuckle when I hear a pregnant first time mom tell me that, based on her reading, she has decided against co-sleeping and will swaddle, feed on a schedule, whatever...

The thing is, babies are all different.  Families are different.  If a mother spends her time getting to know her baby rather than reading books written by people who had other babies, I believe her time will be much better spent.  In fact, I think the damage those books (and magazine articles) do, is that they make mothers DOUBT.  And that, to me, is sad.  Because doubt is a great squelcher of intuition. 

Leighann brought up the great point that generally we spend much less time with our extended families and other mothers now, and that because we no longer have 8 or 9 siblings, less time caring for babies as we are growing up.  And so, yes, there may be a steeper learning curve for 21st Century new moms.  However,  I still believe that so much of mothering babies and young children is intuitive, and that knowing when to feed our babies and get them to sleep and be happy comes from getting to know them.  For more information, I would much rather see new mothers turn to their sister mothers than some book.  Surround yourself with mothers you admire, who will not prosthelytize but share, and pick their brains and talk things through with them... and then make up your own mind, knowing your own child!

BUT here is where I have changed my mind about books... I now have school age children.  I have come to realize in the past year, that mothering older children is so much harder than mothering babies and toddlers and preschoolers.  Sure, they sleep through the night and can wipe their own bottoms... but now they are asking hard questions and grappling with BIG issues, and it takes a much more deliberate approach to parent them well.  And (this is important!) by the time your children are older, you know them and you are more confident in what you believe, and so in reading parenting books/articles, you are more easily able to weed out the things that will not work for your family or that you disagree with without doubting your own belief system.  I have found some wonderful and valuable parenting books that address parenting older children, and I have been devouring them.  I finished these two just this past month

And there were wonderful ideas in them, things that energized me to be a better mother, tricks that I had never thought of.  There were also things that I knew would not work for us, and I was able to discard them. 

I think in the end, the lesson is this: be willing to learn as a mother - always.  Learn first who your children are, acknowledging that each is unique with his own needs.  Spend time with them, un-distracted, hearing them, holding them, learning who they are.  Then discern what your values and priorities are, so that you can have a framework upon which to build your parenting decisions.  Then find your village, your sister mothers - whether they are your own mother and grandmother, friends, bloggers - and use their own experiences and values to help you think about your own family, acknowledging that their circumstances are different than yours and that's okay.  And finally, reach out to books, seminars, magazines, blogs whose writers you may not know, etc., acknowledging that these "experts" may have incredibly valuable information to make you a better mother, but in the end you are still the expert about your own children.

Getting Ready for the Beach

We are headed to the beach for a week on Saturday! I am so, so looking forward to it ~ we've needed the kind of vacation that involves sitting in the sand.  And nothing else.  (With an alarm system and house sitter back home ~ so all you crazy internet robbers, forgetaboutit)

I'll be posting some of my road trip with lots of little kids tips AFTER the road trip, because Lord knows if I start talking about it now, the trip will be doomed!  I do have lots of little tricks up my sleeve, so hopefully it will be a fun and easy trip.

To get ready for the beach, we have been doing some beach and ocean-themed things at home with the kids.  We set some summer goals at the beginning of the summer, to keep us on track (if you want to really get behind summer goals, check out someone who REALLY does a great job ~ Shawni at 71 Toes!)  Sophia really needed to work on her spelling before 2nd grade, and Amelia is so very close to reading on her own.  We've mostly been reading lots, Sophia has been writing in her journal, and there have been many days of happy freeform artsing and crafting.  But this week, we themed things up!

First, I found two great sources for beautiful printable worksheets ~ some of these were PERFECT for Sophia and Amelia's levels.  Here and here.  That allkidsnetwork site has been a great source for some phonics sheets for Amelia too (I may have posted about that already?)

Then, we dug out our Usborne Encyclopedia of Seas & Oceans. I LOVE Usborne books ~ I find myself just sitting and looking at the pictures myself.  This has been a great resource, because I think the kids will get more out of our trip if they know what creatures they are looking at, how the tides, work, etc.  We'll be taking it on our trip, too.



I found this fun, fun Ocean Animal Movements game on another blog, and it is perfect, because there are parts of it for Sophia, Amelia, AND Henry!  Go here and read about it and get the printables.  For three kids, we had them all go through all of the cards, mimicking the movements.  Then for Amelia, we would say "find the animal that starts with __" or "find the animal that ends with __" to work on her letters.  For Sophia we did the verb part of the game and had her "find the animal that __" and inserted the action word.  Then for Henry, we worked on colors. I printed these on white paper, but I colored in each animal a different color, so we did "find the ___ animal" and said the color.  Fun!

Another game that I got for free online was this sight words game from a teacher's blog.  Race to the beach! The girls are playing that today, so I can't wait to hear how it goes.  Easy to print off and all we needed was a couple of playing pieces and a dice. 

Aside: One thing I struggle with as a working mom, is wanting to do these things with my kids, but not being able to.  I feel like sometimes I rush home from work to get dinner on the table, and then I spend the rest of the evening with the kids practicing piano, nagging them about chores, and getting everyone to bed.  They are tired by the end of the day, so it's not a good time for us to work on school work.  I have said it before, but I am SO, so lucky to be married to a fabulous dad, and he is good about working with the kids on schoolwork.  He just needs a little help figuring out what to do.  So I have been preparing things for him ~ for example, for this week, I made envelopes for each day of the week, and on each envelope I wrote the day of the week, and then "to help prepare for our beach trip..." and then gave the girls some extra chores (like helping with laundry, etc.), and then I wrote out which of these school activities they are doing for the day and stuck them in the envelope.

Anyway, finally, I found an online printable first reader about the beach for Amelia ~ but sadly I can't find it again. I should have bookmarked it! It was just a little black and white booklet that I printed off and stapled together.  And then for Sophia, I created two writing prompts instead of her normal journal writing - one is to write some sentences about her favorite sea animal, and the other is to pretend she is a dolphin and write about that (and draw a picture). 

These are all easy, cheap, and fun things for the kids, and have helped to build the anticipation for our trip. 

Our Capable Kids

I've seen a trend lately on blogs, Pinterest, and elsewhere on the web, which kind of cracks me up.  People are discovering - like a bright flash of sudden inspiration - that children are actually capable of doing things. Lots of things.  Lots of things that we didn't think they could do.  It cracks me up, because I'm pretty sure it's only recently that our children have been deemed totally INcapable of doing things for themselves, and yet we are having to rediscover that, "oh hey! I did those chores when I was a kid! And my grandmother knew how to button her own shirt when she was five years old!"


There are so many reasons that I think it's ridiculous for us to keep our children from doing things they are capable of doing.  We are not our children's servants, chefs, valets, chauffeurs... so let's not act like it.  YES we cook for our families, and we help younger children dress themselves, and of course we drive them where they need to go before they learn to drive.  But there is a big difference in my mind between acting like we are there to make sure our children never lift a finger and simply helping them learn to do things for themselves.  It's as simple as HOW you do the task.

For example, when I get Henry dressed, it would be so much easier to lay him on a changing table and dress him top to bottom myself (and I have seen people do this with two year olds!)  But I take the slightly less efficient (in the short-term) route of having Henry dress himself, with a lot of help from me.  I hold out the shirt so that he can easily get his head and arms into it properly.  He can pull on his own underwear and pants, but I help button his pants if needed (most are just elastic).  He can put on his own shoes most of the time.  And while I do most of the cooking around here, one of Sophia's chores is to make breakfast for herself and the other kids during the school year.  She can microwave oatmeal, make toast, fix cereal, reheat pancakes I made and froze, and even cook eggs on our electric griddle.  I have started pulling her into the kitchen a few times a week to help me cook dinner - she can chop some vegetables, and help me pour and stir.  She knows how to make a sandwich and fix chocolate milk for Amelia.  She can mash a banana or avocado and feed it to Wyatt while I'm cooking dinner.  These are all completely reasonable things for an almost-seven year old to do.

There has also been quite a bit of publicity around the so-called "free-range kids" movement.  While I actually have a problem with that whole "movement" and a lot of their rhetoric (because in their quest to make the world seem like a safer place than it is, they have almost completely ignored the high rate of sexual abuse that occurs in children's lives, and only focus on the extreme rarity of kidnappings... but anyway...)  I do agree that a lot of parents seem too over-protective of their kids these days.  Over-protective sounds like a weird word - I mean how can it POSSIBLY be bad to be as protective of our children as we can be?!  But the thing is, by keeping such constant watch of them, we forget, I think, to teach them how to be safe and confident away from us.  I let my girls to to public restrooms together without me.  At a large playground, I let them play away from me where I can't see them at every moment.  Why?  Because I have taught them what to do if someone wants them to go with them or bothers them.  I haven't taught them that all strangers are bad and the world is a terrifying place.  Instead, I have told them that there is a little voice inside of them that helps them know when a situation is dangerous, and they are empowered to do anything and everything they can to get out of that situation.  I have taught them how to spot safe people (police officers, other mothers, etc.) to go to if they are lost or need help.  I believe it's possible to empower our children instead of scaring them into believing that the world is so frightening that they can only be safe if mom or dad are holding their hand.

Similarly, I think it's demeaning to children to treat them like helpless little things.  How sad would it be to in kindergarten and not be able to properly dress yourself or eat your food without your mommy there to pull up your pants and cut up your food?! Both of my girls (ages 5 and almost-7) take care of their own personal hygiene - they bathe or shower, floss and brush their teeth, etc. Of course I inspect their teeth and let them know if they haven't rinsed all the shampoo from their hair, but for the most part they take care of these things without me.  Henry is now (since my last post on the subject!) going to the bathroom by himself, with only occasional reminders from me (especially if we are away from home) and of course my help in wiping and washing his hands.  He brushes his own teeth with a spinning toothbrush, and then I go in after him and brush again.  Henry can feed himself with normal dishes and silverware and drink from a regular glass.  I just think kids who are more self-sufficient at an earlier age are going to be more confident and independent in the long-run.

And finally, back to the whole servant issue, I just think it's so important for children to feel like they are part of a family, not that their parents are there to cater to them.  Our children have their own bedrooms, but they do not have a "playroom" or "their" bathroom, they don't have separate dishes, and our living room is filled with only normal furniture.  They can sit on The Family Couch and eat using The Family Dishes and pee in The Family Toilet.  Right?? They don't need all their "own" stuff.

And we expect them to take care of this house and help keep up with the things that must be taken care of - from setting the table to putting away the laundry to dusting the baseboards.   Just like anyone else.  That's how it was when I was growing up, and I think it was perfectly fine.  I certainly did not feel like I was the little princess who ran the house and had grown ups around to cater to my every whim.  I also didn't feel like a child-slave because I had to do chores.

Oh my gosh, I think I posted about this before, but have you seen the signs?  The NURSERY signs that say stuff like "Spoiled Princess" on cute little wooden plaques with pink swirls on them? Why?!  That WHY?! makes me think that some parents WANT spoiled, entitled, helpless kids (*ahem* Suri Cruise).  One of the things (a small thing, compared to much bigger issues) that told us it was time to change schools, was when Sophia came home and announced, "we need a housekeeper so I don't have to clean!"  Ugh.  I want my children to be HAPPY, I want them to feel like they had everything they needed growing up, I want them to feel loved and deserving.  And I want them to grow up knowing without a shadow of a doubt, that they do not need a housekeeper to be happy and that loved does not equal spoiled.

I want my children to be self-sufficient, confident, independent, hard-working, humble, and willing to help out.  And so, I will continue to make sure they are self-dressing, cooking, cleaning, lawn-mowing (I can't wait!), somewhat-but-not-quite-free-range kids.  If choosing between doing something for them or teaching them to do it for themselves, I am going to go with helping them do it themselves.  If wondering whether they are old enough to tackle a job, I am going to give it a shot and see if they can.  If choosing between making their lives easier and making them work hard, I am going to do with hard-working almost every time.  If choosing between a situation that is almost certainly safe because I am physically there with them and a situation that requires my (older) children to take some responsibility for their own safety, I am probably going to err on the side of sending them out into the world.

In this great experiment that we call parenting, I guess we won't know how it all turns out until it's all over.  Suri Cruise is about Sophia's age... we'll check back in with them in about twenty years.

Potty Training

Before I had kids, I knew SO much about parenting.  I pretty much had it all figured out, after years of babysitting and dreaming of being a mommy.  I knew just how I'd do everything.

Then I had a baby and realized I didn't know anything.  After a while, I thought maybe I got the hang of it... but then I had another, completely different, baby and realized that I still didn't know what I was doing.

But THEN I had two more babies, and I am starting to feel a little smug again.  Like maybe, just maybe, I DO know a thing or two.  Maybe I am qualified to give advice and have opinions. At least about some things.  Namely anything involving children younger than seven years old.

So, I am going to give you my opinion.  It's totally opiniony and judgy.  Strangely (not really - it makes sense!!) this is the exact same advice you'll hear from OTHER smart moms who've been around the block a few times.  Like her and her and many others I've run across.  But I'm going to say it again, in case there's any doubt.

There is a way to potty train, and it works.  I've done it with three kids, who showed very different levels of interest. 

It's simple:
1. don't put it off too long, and
2. just do it. All the way.

Potty training is a pain!! It really is, but if you invest in a week or two of hard core commitment, it will be over with, which is soooo much better than months (or YEARS for some people I know!) of dragging it out.  There is no reason to put off potty training past 2.5 years.  Closer to age 2 is better, actually, I think.  I don't think there were three year olds in diapers running around when we were kids, definitely not when our parents were toddlers!  Kids are totally capable of potty training at age 2 to 2.5 (barring some developmental delays, of course).

I start sticking them on the toilet before evening bath when they are around 18 months old.  Just to practice.  Then...

Pick a week, preferably one where there's not too much going on (or in my case, the last full week of school when there are a TON of things going on, whatever).  Buy some jelly beans.  Buy some cute underwear.  Announce to everyone, especially yourself, that it's time for no more diapers.  Then just sit your toddler on the potty every 30 minutes.  Get them to drink a bunch.  Turn on the faucet while they're sitting there - my grandmother did it, and it works.  When they go pee in the potty throw them a party - clapping, congratulating, giving them a jelly bean, etc.   If they pee on the floor, just say "ooops, pee in the potty!" and get them to help mop it up.  Don't make a big deal over it.  I would put your toddler in underwear and elastic waist pants/shorts, or if it's a girl a dress.  It's really easy to potty train if they are totally naked, but I've found sometimes if they're used to being naked, they will then pee when they have underwear on.  That happened with Amelia for a while.  Anyway, the main thing is - NO MORE DIAPERS.  Nap time and night time might take longer, and you can put diapers on them then, but never ever ever during the day. 

If you are leaving the house, pack a bunch of changes of clothes, put a changing pad under them in the car seat, whatever, just don't put a diaper on them.  Make them go before you leave the house, then sit them on the potty every 30 mintues wherever you are.  Yeah, even gross public restrooms.  These things help.  When you're driving, just occassionally say, "Don't pee in your pants. We'll be at the store soon and you can go potty."  Do NOT come up with excuses and stick them in a diaper.  Long road trip? Hospitalization? Church? New baby? We've done it all, you can do it too.  I think it's confusing for toddlers to go in and out of diapers.  Either it's okay to pee in your pants, or it's not.  Using diapers because we are being lazy or it's more convenient, and then expecting kids to figure out that they have to use the potty when we feel like it, NO.

Sophia pretty much potty trained herself by 18 months, but Amelia took longer - once we FINALLY committed to it (she was 2.5) and took away all diapers (pull ups are diapers!!!!) it took about a week.  Henry did it in three days (at 2 years and 3 months).  He hasn't had any accidents.  Again, stick them on the potty EVERY 30 MINUTES.  No toddler is going to think about stopping what they're doing to go to the bathroom when they're busy, and every 2 year old is busy all the time, right?  So just take that responsibility away from them and be their peeing alarm clock.  Stick them on the potty, turn on the faucet, give them a jelly bean and have a party.  It's been 5 days now and Henry has started going to the bathroom on his own SOME of the time (I hear him in there clapping for himself and yelling "I PEED!!") but I still have to grab him and stick him on the potty other times.  In a couple of weeks we'll be able to let up on the constant sticking him on the potty.

P.S.
One trick I've learned with boys - stick them on the big toilet facing the back! Keeps all the pee going down into the toilet instead of up over the seat! :)

House and Chore Solutions

I've blogged before (and before, and before) about some of the solutions that help us function in our little house with four kids and just generally a busy life. Here are three more small changes I've made in the past couple of weeks...

There was an awkward space at the head of the girls' bunk bed - there wasn't enough room between the bed and the wall to really play in that space. Often it just became a parking space for random toys and looked junky.

So I added a second bookshelf and made a little reading nook


I got a bathmat from Target that is made from some sort of super cushiony memory foam stuff and put that down first to make the wood floor softer, then added some blankets and pillows. The girls LOVE this space now! And with two emergent readers in the house, having a space that inspires them to read is great. The books are generally organized by fiction/nonfiction and reading level.


The next idea is from Martha Steward. Did you know they make magnetic paper that can go through a printer?? They do! It went through my HP color laser printer with no trouble at all - I was in awe (and yeah, I held my breath waiting for the whole thing to jam up and break forever while it was going through).

Here is our new chore chart


This is the chart "fully loaded" and ready for Saturday morning. Most days they only have the dark green chores - those are their daily chores. I put them on their chart at night and the next day as they do their chores, they remove them. The goal is to have no chores left on their chart. The blue chores are their Saturday jobs, so since tonight is Friday night, this is what it looks like tonight. Again, as they do their chores and jobs tomorrow, they will take them off.

We don't do allowances (yet - they are too young for money, we think) and I don't really believe it paying or rewarding kids for doing chores. To me their chores are just like me cooking dinner and Davis taking out the trash - these are the things we all do to help out and keep our family taken care of. We are also building good habits.

BUT I do have a little envelope on the bulletin board that has "perfect chore score" written on it - if they do all of their chores and Saturday jobs for a whole week, they can pick out a reward from the envelope. They are things like having me make their bed for a week, staying up to read an extra book or play a game one night, etc. It's working well. At this age, often having kids doing chores creates MORE work for parents - teaching them to do the work and nagging them constantly to get it done. But I think it's a huge mistake to give up or wait, and I can see in Sophia that having a child who is used to doing chores since age 2 does pay off!

And finally, Sophia is starting piano lessons. She is so excited! I needed a way to help her keep track of time, because I'm making her practice for 15 minutes every day. I found this clock at West Elm - I love it! It's actually been great to have a great big clock in the living room, no more craning our necks to look at the kitchen clock all the way in the room next door ha ha!


Our house is still on the market, and we are still making plans to remodel if it doesn't sell. But in the meantime I have decided to continue to make it work for us as best we can. We do love our little bungalow!!

Days of Our Lives

"Like sands through the hourglass... so are the Days of Our Lives."

Ha ha I totally just quoted a soap opera, even though I don't think I've watched more than two soap opera episodes in my whole life. But, it's what I'm thinking about.

Because first, there was this article that half a dozen of my friends posted on Facebook. And then I've been thinking about this blog post, which makes me bawl every time I read it. And then, there are the ladies. The grocery store ladies, and the church ladies, and the doctor's office elevator ladies, who smile whistfully, and say "enjoy every minute, it goes by so fast."

And you know what? I am not annoyed by them. I always tell them, no matter what kind of day I am having, thank you. Because it is probably on those crazy, harrowing, overwhelming days that I need to hear them say it. I still cry when I think about Sophia's first day of kindergarten. Because all those first five years, I thought I had all the time in the world to think about her going to school, and then WHAM! there it was - it came so much faster than I expected. I wasn't ready, but it came anyway. It didn't feel like five years, but it was. And now, when I think about her being in high school, and I think it's so far away. But I know. I know, it's just going to suddenly be here, whether I'm ready or not.

And every now and then I let myself think about the days that my house will be quiet. The days that little handprints and crayon marks no longer mar my walls. Days that my bathroom floor isn't flooded every night at 7 p.m., days that I do not step on Legos, days that cleaning up after a spaghetti dinner doesn't involve a whole roll of paper towels. And I cry. I know that when those days come, the echos of my children running through the house will be a deafening silence.

The HuffPo article likens raising children to climbing Mount Everest. And yes, some day I will look proudly at my children and think "I made it to the top of that mountain." But I do not want to think of the journey as a painful, uphill climb. Because I will also think about their little hands reaching up to be held, and their sweet baby lips sucking the air while they sleep, the weight of their bodies on my chest when they are sick, and their little eyes looking at me - burrowing into my soul, saying don't forget this moment. I want to know that I have sucked the marrow out of those moments, that I stopped to breathe in every single second, so that when they are gone, I know I didn't miss anything.

It can be so easy to let ourselves count down the hours until bedtime, to laugh about how nice it will be to not have ketchup on our shirts, and to sit around talking about how three year olds are so whiny and newborns don't sleep enough and toddlers wear us out. Those are the thoughts that crop up when we are in the midst of motherhood. Those are the easy conversations to lapse into when we are with other mothers. But those are not the thoughts I want validated. Rather, I cherish the reminders that I'm missing the point. I need to be brought back to the sacredness of these moments. Yes, even the hard ones. If I find myself having too many days that I am overwhelmed and annoyed and not enjoying every moment with my children, it is usually a clue that I need to change something - about the way I parent, about the way I take care of myself, or about something simple like how we enforce certain rules in our house.

I cannot say that I have enjoyed every single second of being with my children. But I can tell you that I have regretted every second that I didn't enjoy them. And so, even when I hear that cry in the middle of the night and I think I might actually die from being so tired, or when I've told my six year old to pick up her sweater for the fifteenth time, I remind myself that these days are numbered. Tonight might be the last night that the baby wakes up to eat in the middle of the night, and oh my gosh, I can't stop the tears from flowing when I think - those sweet moments in the dark of night, when all the distractions of the world are gone, and there is nothing but the sweet smell of my baby's head and his little hand on my breast, they are gone. I have a lot of life left to live, and many things to look forward to, but those days, they are past.

It's loving our children through their worst behavior, learning to laugh when everything goes wrong, feeling daily gratitude for being given these precious children to raise up, that's what makes parenthood so sacred.

So, thank you grocery store ladies, for telling me to cherish even the exhaustion and exasperation. Thank you, church ladies, for reminding me that, yes, my children are beautiful and well-behaved. Thank you, doctor's office elevator ladies, for transporting me to the future for just a glipse, because now I remember what I don't want to regret.

Encouragement

I am always amazed at how well positive reinforcement works to elicit good behavior in my children. Then I feel bad that I don't practice it more often, and I kick myself for forgetting how well it works. And above all, I remember - my kids deserve this. I think of how much it means to me, to have my boss say a simple, "good job." And I think about how awful it would be to constantly be told I was doing a bad job, or that I needed to try harder or do something different, or just to have my hard work ignored.

Yesterday morning, all four kids were terrific in church. Then they came home and spent the entire afternoon helping me clean and take care of the babies. I praised them, and the more I praised them, the better they got. The more I encouraged them, the harder they tried. I told them it made me happy that they weren't fighting, and they didn't fight all day long. I told them they were doing a great job cleaning, and they cleaned harder.

They were amazing little amazeballs, and I was so proud of them. And I told them so.

Last week, I bought two little pink metal mailboxes at the dollar section of Target - because how could I not?! The girls were thrilled, and asked me to put messages in them. But I forgot. Until last night, when I thought about how proud I was of them. So I made them each a little award

There is no allowance or treat or anything that I think would have excited them more than those two little pieces of paper.

It's so easy to forget, that a simple "thank you" and "great job" goes a long, long way. They don't really need elaborate reward systems or bribes, when just a little encouragement will do.

(Hop on over here to my other blog for some yummy recipes!)

Waiting

The view from my bed

a bassinet (with freshly washed bedding) and a bag packed for the hospital.

In his dresser, Wyatt's clothes wait, smelling sweetly of Dreft.

24 little newborn cloth diapers are stacked in the changing table. Another car seat sits by the door, waiting to be installed in the newly detailed car. The house is clean, the refrigerator and pantry are stocked and the freezer is full of casseroles. October's bills have been paid, birthday gifts and cards have been sent off, regrets have been conveyed for all meetings and social engagements...

I know I've mentioned it before, so although I'm ashamed of it, it's no secret... I have hated this pregnancy. It has been too scary and filled with one "what if" after another. All I've wanted is to have this sweet baby safe in my arms, pretty much from the moment we found out I was pregnant. And now, very, very soon - I will!

I've been really grouchy the past few days - losing it more than once, being snippy with everyone in my family, and just plain wanting to scream that I am SICK OF BEING PREGNANT!! But... really, when I stop whining for a moment, I remember what a special time this is. With my other babies, these days and weeks before birth were just about my favorite time ever - the anticipation of waiting to meet your baby is unlike anything in the world. And so, we wait. And I am stopping daily - sometimes hourly - to remind myself to cherish these waiting days.

The Normals

I haven't been blogging because... well, I've been sitting/laying in my bed for a couple of weeks and there isn't a lot going on in my life, or, sorry to say, my brain. But I got into a bit of a discussion on Facebook today, and it got me thinking about a topic that is obviously on my brain right now - giving birth and feeding a newborn.

I reacted to comments on Facebook by several people who said that feeding baby formula was the "easy way" and that breastfeeding was just so hard and inconvenient. First of all, I found the opposite to be true - formula feeding is a PAIN! When baby is a newborn and waking up in the middle of the night, who wants to get out of bed and go all the way to the kitchen to mix up/warm a bottle while baby wails, instead of just reaching over, getting baby out of the bassinet and nursing them back to sleep before anyone ever fully wakes up?! When Henry was ten months old and I was pregnant with Violet, my supply really tanked, and I was giving him formula about half the time and nursing him the other half. I can't tell you how many times my poor boy was out on some errand with me screaming and hungry, because his bad momma had forgotten to pack a bottle - I was just so used to the ease of always having his food supply with me!

But aside from the fact that I disagree about formula feeding being more convenient, I really have a problem with people going around talking about how hard breastfeeding is. I think we have really turned things upside down in our society by taking perfectly normal as-nature-intended things like breastfeeding and giving birth, and making them into some heroically difficult feats that women must choose to overcome... or choose the alternative, the "easy" way of giving baby a bottle or having a medically-managed delivery.

When we talk about how hard breastfeeding is, and we show images on TV of birth as this horrifically scary, painful, and dramatic event, we scare new mothers! We create doubt. So many women never even try to breastfeed or have a normal delivery, because they have been so programmed to think these things are too difficult. Even those who try, often are set up for failure and give up too soon, because again, they have been told over and over again that they are doing some really hard thing. SURE, there are challenges to breastfeeding and of course giving birth hurts... but we all accept that when we become pregnant we will deal with morning sickness, and backaches, and stretch marks, and heartburn, and swollen feet. There's no alternative - we just know going into it that's what's normal, and we deal with it and move on. Well, if we as a society started saying it's NORMAL for newborns to wake up every couple of hours, it's NORMAL for your nipples to be sore at first, it's NORMAL for your milk not to come in for a day or two and babies are made for that, it's NORMAL for your supply to fluctuate, etc. then moms would go into breastfeeding expecting those obstacles, dealing with them, and continuing on. Similarly, we need to say that it's NORMAL for labor to progress slowly and sometimes stall for a little while, it's NORMAL for contractions to hurt and our bodies are made to withstand that pain, it's NORMAL for baby to crown for a long time, it's NORMAL for baby's heart rate to vary some during birth, etc. then women wouldn't buy into their doctors' arguments that it's time for pitocin and forcepts and c-sections.

I just never really considered NOT breastfeeding an option for me, so when I encountered obstacles (and I did), I just sought out solutions and plowed through it. Not because I felt formula feeding was evil (in fact, I chose to start supplementing with formula once my kids reached 7-10 months, because I wanted to cut out one of my pumping sessions at work), but because I just thought breastfeeding was the way to go - my body was created to feed my baby and my baby was created to drink human milk, so I knew we could do it. I remember after my deliveries, Davis said afterwards that he couldn't believe I never screamed - he had witnessed countless "births" in movies and on TV, and every single one of them portrayed the same thing - a mom screaming at the top of her lungs, in sheer panic, with doctors and nurses running around frantically as if baby and mom would die any minute. It's ridiculous. The VAST majority of births are not medical emergencies, nor are they unbearably painful or traumatic - mothers and babies were made for this and we've been doing it since the beginning of humanity. If we started showing THAT side of birth and talking about birth as NORMAL, the same way we talk about pregnancy as being NORMAL, women would stop doubting themselves and just let their bodies do their thing. Honestly, between pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding - I would say pregnancy is the hardest. All the hardships of giving birth and breastfeeding are very transient, whereas the hardships of pregnancy each last at least several weeks. So why are women making it through 40 weeks of the hard stuff, only to believe they can't make it through a 90 second contraction or a few days of sore nipples? Because we have created alternatives and led women to believe that formula feeding and intervention-heavy births are the norm, and breastfeeding and natural birth is for those crazy women who are more brave or more crunchy or more something than they are.

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that we have created baby formula and medical delivery interventions - there are babies who are healthier because they had formula available to them when they were orphaned or some medical issue kept them from being able to be breastfed. I'm thankful that I had the option to pump less and give my older infants formula. I'm thankful that when they thought I had vasa previa, I knew we would most likely be okay because I could have a c-section and have access to a fabulous NICU. I don't begrudge moms the choice of giving their baby formula, of getting an epidural or having a c-section. I just wish that moms (especially first time moms) went into the decision with the perspective of knowing that breastfeeding is what's NORMAL and NATURAL and what our bodies and babies were MADE FOR, and that they are perfectly capable of giving birth without drugs and episiotomies. I wish their decisions were made not because of the doubt that we as a culture have created.

I think it's time to start telling our daughters and our new mother friends, and to start showing on TV and in movies, that the NORMAL is breastfeeding and the NORMAL is for mom to deliver baby without interventions. We need to empower women to believe that their bodies were created to do this. If a doctor tells them that their baby is "too big" to be born vaginally, or a friend tells them that they just need to give up breastfeeding because they don't make enough milk, a confident mom should feel empowered to question them. They should know that true cephalopelvic disproportion is very rare and that changes in milk production are normal and low supply can usually be remedied. That is not to say that these are NEVER the case, but that they are so unusual that more than likely they are not the case and should be questioned before alternatives like c-sections and formula are chosen.

Yes, I'm happy that formula exists, I'm happy women can choose epidurals and that c-sections are available and relatively safe now. BUT they are not normal and not natural. That's just a fact.

Dream Job

I'm just going to go ahead and say it... I was an awesome babysitter when I was a teen. I was dependable - I always showed up, and a few minutes early too. Kids loved me, because I got down on the ground and played with them and read books to them and colored with them. They never watched TV or got bored when I was around. I made cute snacks and cooked healthy dinners. I jumped at the chance to change a diaper, even a stinky one. And when the kids went to bed, I cleaned - I kept cleaning (stove-scrubbing cleaning) until their parents got home, just because I wanted to and I didn't feel right getting paid just to sit around.

And while I was changing diapers and playing and straightening up and tucking in and cooking and cleaning and folding laundry, I daydreamed about being a mom. Not in a creepy Lifetime-movie-nanny way, but I would think about being the mother - how I would love it, how it would be the best thing ever. I always knew I would have a career, mostly because no other option was ever allowed to enter my mind growing up, but when I really fantasized about my life as an adult, it was the job of MOTHER that preoccupied my mind. I had it all figured out - how many kids I would have, what I would name them, how I would discipline, get them to sleep, what kinds of toys I would and would not buy them, what our house rules would be. Ha ha ha ha ha! That part was funny.

But what stands out to me now, looking back, was how I knew back then that motherhood was the most important, wonderful job on earth. I knew it was a privilege. I knew children were so precious, and getting one of your very own was just about the most special thing that could ever happen. And I knew how sacred the job of mothering was - how no one could ever replace you, no one else could do what you do, everything you did affected your child's life, and how deliberate and careful you should be with this responsibility. Most of all, I saw it as something AWESOME.

Now, I am so honored, so happy, so very very lucky that I was given this job. But sometimes I forget. Last night, as I thought about Mother's Day and what kind of mother I was and what kind of mother I wanted to be, I prayed. I want to be a more patient mother. And today, God decided to make sure I really meant it. My children fought to the point of drawing blood - each other's and at one point mine. One screamed in the middle of church (NOT the baby). One of my three year old Sunday School kids picked up a figure of Jesus and pretended to shoot his classmates with it. The girls decided to ignore every word that came out of my mouth all day long. Meanwhile, I forgot my iPhone on top of my car and it flew off the truck as I raced to church, along with a series of other mishaps throughout the day. I tried so hard, but I yelled and scolded and cried and threw my arms up. I certainly did not cherish changing four stinky diapers on one rash-plagued little boy. I didn't stop folding laundry to sit and play with my kids. I was grouchy about straightening up the house. I felt queasy and tired and let it get me down.

But, this is the most important job in the world. It deserves my very best. I pride myself on being a good employee, on always doing more than is being asked of me, of being dependable. I would never tell a client or a boss "just a minute" if asked to do something. When I am at work, I focus on the tasks I have to do, and even if I hate them, I don't let others know. And as much as I take my role as financial provider for my family seriously, that is just a job. There is a much, much more important job that deserves even MORE of me.

Not only is motherhood the most important job I will ever have, it is also my dream job. This is the job I have been waiting for, dreaming of, preparing for. This is my one shot to do it right, joyfully, dutifully, thankfully.

Happy Mother's Day! So many of you are the mothers who inspire me to be better, and I thank you for that!!

Picky Eating

I am fighting a battle I was determined never to fight at our house... the FOOD WAR! My kids were all breastfed for at least a year, which was supposed to expose them to different tastes in my milk. They were weaned on avocados and other fresh, organic foods, rather than bland rice cereal. As one year olds, they were all drinking green smoothies for breakfast (fruit + baby spinach) and eating meals that included (spicy) Indian food and lots of fresh vegetables in every form. Right now, Henry's favorite foods are mango and fresh tomato. He shared a green smoothie with me this morning, and has yet to refuse a single food I've put before him - to include sushi, chopped raw veggie salads, and lots of well-spiced ethnic dishes.

That's just how I grew up eating, and that's how I cook. We usually have chicken one night, red meat another night, pasta one night, seafood another night, and vegetarian the other three nights. I mix up the types of recipes too, so we're not eating Mexican or Italian more than once a week. I get bored cooking the same things over and over, so usually at least half of what I cook is new recipes.

I just don't buy junk food - if you want a snack at our house, it's going to have to be an apple or a handful of baby carrots with hummus. Sometimes we bake cookies or other sweets on weekends, but that's pretty much the extent of sweets that live at our house. Other than some fresh-squeezed orange juice for breakfast, my kids don't drink juice, and I limit milk to after meals. We eat seven dinners a week together, sitting at the dining room table, with the phone unplugged (and I am fiercely protective of that time, although I know it will get harder and harder as the kids get involved in activities outside of home). But right now, it is extremely rare that we miss more than a couple of family meals a month. We have NEVER provided them meals other than that what we're all eating that night - they don't have to eat if they don't want it, but they know they won't get anything else. If they don't eat, I leave their dinner on the table until bedtime (about 1 hour). If they say they are hungry, I say "you can go finish you dinner, or you can have a really big breakfast tomorrow morning!"

My kids have grown their own vegetables, gone to groves to pick their own fruit, and most of the time (especially on weekends) they are in the kitchen with me helping me prepare our meals. We talk about what's in our foods, and why certain foods are healthy and not healthy. They can tell you about those Vegetables of the Week, I bet, including which vitamins they are high in and what they're good for.

My kids don't even know that restaurants have children's menus. Sure, when it's just smaller portions of the same food, I order from the kids menu, but usually - especially at ethnic restaurants - I order them an appetizer, soup, or small dish to split. They're not eating chicken tenders and french fries at a Vietnamese restaurant, they will eat steamed dumplings or split a main dish. It's just always what we've done.

And yet... both girls have recently succumb to "kid eating." And it's driving me CRAZY. I always swore I wouldn't get all worked up and emotional about food, that I'd just let it go and be easy going, so as not to make things worse. But I am failing, y'all. Big time! When my kids suddenly refuse foods they have always happily eaten, it makes me want to scream. When they say "I don't like that" without even trying it, or pick and pick without eating anything, it makes me so mad.

Sophia has always been a GREAT eater. I remember a friend of mine laughing because I told her that I had to watch 18 month old Sophia, to keep her from eating too many brussels sprouts, because they gave her gas. But now that she's in school, she has a best friend who is a very picky eater, and she's starting to be exposed to foods she's never had before, and she wants them. She is begging for Cheetos and Gogurt and junky cereal. I don't want to create a "thing" where these foods become something forbidden that they gorge themselves on when they visit friends or grandma. So when we're on road trips, I buy them Cheetos to snack on in the car. On hot summer days, we sometimes drive through Sonic for a cherry limeade. But I can see where this slippery slope leads, and I REFUSE to end up THERE. The girls want pizza and spaghetti for dinner every night. They start whining and moaning as soon as I tell them that we're having grilled salmon instead. They ask for snacks constantly, because they are not eating everything at meals. I've stopped taking them to the grocery store with me, because I don't want to have ANOTHER discussion about why we're not buying Captain Crunch. Foods they have eaten without issue for 4/5 years - oatmeal, broccoli, tomatoes, spinach - they suddenly claim they don't like and refuse to touch.

Sophia seems salvageable, she still craves fresh oranges with me and ate loads of sushi in California. I can tell, though, she is being influenced by friends more and more, as she learns what else is out there and not everyone eats like we do. And Amelia, some nights I have to just leave the table when I'm done eating and let Davis deal with her, because I want to cry! She will literally go to bed eating NOTHING for dinner, because she wouldn't even try what was on her plate. Her pickiness comes with an extra dose of stubborn!

Someone out there who's been through this - help me! Tell me... is this a phase? Is there anything else I can do? Will we make it through this without resorting to eating spaghetti and pizza for dinner every night? Should I lighten up and let them eat junk or lower my expectations of what they will eat for dinner?

I Have an Opinion Too: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I read the Wall Street Journal article, I heard her on NPR, I read responses all over the blogoshphere, but I couldn't bring myself to read Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Until today, when I picked it up and read it cover to cover in one sitting.

Wow. Like everyone else, I have a lot of feelings about this book...

I hate parenting books. I never read them, and I strongly discourage other people (especially new parents) from reading them. I believe that the single greatest tool we have as parents is our intuition. It is the ONLY thing that will make us successful parents. And there is no faster way to quash our intuition than to start reading parenting books and looking around to see what others are doing. Parenting books are all about some "model" of parenting (Chinese parenting, attachment parenting, etc.), when in reality, successful parenting is anything but a "model."

I believe as mothers we have within ourselves all the knowledge needed to be good parents to our children - we know what we believe, we know what we want for our children, we know what values and pursuits are worthwhile, and most importantly, we know our children. No one else does, not like we do.

Amy Chua's beliefs, hopes, values, and goals are not mine. Her children are not my children. What I admire about her, and what I think many people have admired about her, is that she believed in her parenting choices and she stuck with them. She fought hard for what she believed it, and she ignored what everyone around her was doing or thought about her parenting. There's no room for peer pressure in good parenting.

And right there, I think we have a lot to learn. It is HARD to stand up for what you believe, especially when your children are involved. It is HARD not to doubt your decisions and beliefs, especially in the realm of parenting - an utterly terrifying pursuit for which we are completely unprepared when we embark on it. It is HARD to watch others make different decisions (often defensively making comments that subtly criticize our choices).

Sophia's class is full of kids who have older (some much older) siblings. I have heard several times about how Sophia wasn't allowed to play with the other girls at recess, because they were playing Hanna Montana, and she didn't know any of the words to the songs. I've listened to her trying to engage in a conversation with her best friend, who was talking about a show called iCarly, which Sophia had never heard of and felt completely ignorant about. She's asked me many times if she could watch those shows, and every time has gotten the same response "absolutely not." One time she asked "when can I watch Hannah Montana?" and I answered "Honey, by the time you can watch Hannah Montana, she won't be around anymore" (she'll be in rehab!). I've said no to sleepovers, to shoes with heels (for a five year old!), to sodas, to TV shows, to booster seats in the car... and I am completely alone in those decisions, when compared to Sophia's friends' parents.

The thing is, I don't think I'm a better parent than those parents. I am not boasting that I'm strict or chiding people who choose to let their children watch those shows. But I KNOW I am a better parent to MY CHILDREN than anyone else could be. I know what I believe and I am willing to be unpopular (with my child and my peers) to uphold my beliefs.

I agree with a lot of things that Chua said in her book. I loved

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortiture on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up.

As a first generation immigrant, I have to say, there is a LOT about Amy Chua that reminded me of my mother. A frightening amount - including lots of things that made me hate her, to be honest. But I believe in having high expectations of your kids, much, much higher expectations than they have for themselves. I believe academic achievement is vital, and I intend for my children to pursue whatever makes them happy as long as it involves at least one college degree. When I was growing up, there was no question about whether we would go to college, only a question of which graduate degree we would pursue afterward. I didn't even know (ha ha ha) until I was 23 years old and in law school that high school wasn't mandatory! I intend on making sure my children are equally ignorant. They will be taking piano lessons, whether they want to or not, and they will practice every day (though not five hours). And there will always be an expectation of respect for their elders - if I ask Sophia to do something, like set the table, I not only make her do it whether she wants to or not, but I make her do it WITH A HAPPY FACE. My children learn to eat with a fork and knife and real dishes at age two, they place napkins on their laps, and they never leave the table without asking to be excused.

But. Those "basics" are the end of my "rules" for parenting. After that, I have to improvise. Nothing that works for Sophia works for Amelia. Not only can I not be the same mother to them, it would be wrong to be the same mother to them. They need different discipline, different expectations, different rules. True we're only 5.5 years into this parenting gig, but we have never dealt with sibling rivalry in our house. And I believe it's because, despite being treated differently and parented differently, our children know that they are loved equally.

I have other beliefs about our children and parenting. I believe that there are only a very few, short years that our children get to be children. That playfulness, creativity, and ability to totally be themselves lasts only a few years before it is slowly choked away by school and other demands on their time and their little minds. And so, in a radical, purely intuitive move that I don't second guess or regret for a single second, I decided that this year the girls would do NO extra curricular activities. No soccer, no art class, no baby basketball, no computer classes after school. And I was right - Sophia comes home from school, gathers handfuls of baby blankets, tiny china dishes, and her baby dolls, and she heads out to the fort that Davis built in the backyard, and she and her sister spend all afternoon until I call them in for dinner outside playing. And it is EXACTLY what she needs right now. There is no piano drilling, math flash carding, ANYTHING that I would trade that in for.

Sophia is creative, passionate, loving, and sensitive. She is out-going and thrives on new experiences, though she's also a perfectionist and doesn't like taking chances if she might fail. I know what she needs - she needs room to be herself and freedom to be creative, she needs time with her friends but also strictly observed family rituals (like Family Night). She needs to be pushed out of her comfort zone and forced to do more than she thinks she can do.

Amelia is introverted, stubborn, sensitive, and quiet. She is a home-body and functions best with routines and order. She is funny with the most awesome dry humor. She is thirsty for knowledge and tenacious, and will keep trying until she masters something. I know what she needs - she needs constancy, routine, and her family around. She needs boundaries but I have to choose where to draw battle lines, and I do pick my battles carefully. Unlike Chua, I would never threaten something I wasn't willing to carry through with - especially not with Amelia.

Henry just needs snuggles. :)

My point is this - Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is a great book, when read as a memoir of one mother's experience parenting her two daughters. There are good parenting lessons to be learned - the virtue of truly investing time in our children (REAL time, not just shuttling them around), and the importance of learning to be flexible and learning who our children are. Reading about (or seeing) what other parents are doing is okay if it forces you to think about what you believe and want for your own children, as long as the conclusions you draw are your own.

There is no book that will tell you how to successfully or "properly" raise your children. No author, pediatrician, child psychologist, teacher or friend knows. Your mother doesn't know and neither does your great-great aunt. You are your children's only mother. And the best thing you can do for them is to learn who they are, what their strengths and weaknesses are, what they need to succeed and be happy in this world, and how to parent them. Then figure out what you believe - about early academics versus free play, about learning computer skills versus playing outdoors, about popular culture versus old-fashioned values, about piano lessons, soft drinks, happiness, scholastic achievement, creativity, vaccinating, potty training, WHATEVER - and be that parent. Do what is right for your family, regardless of what others are doing or saying. That doesn't mean don't be flexible, don't reassess if things aren't working, but it does mean be confident in your ability to know what's best for your family.

Safety Night

I've mentioned before that Monday nights are Family Night at our house. That just means we can't make other plans, we turn off phones and computers, and we do something together after dinner - go for a walk, do a craft, play games, etc. I usually try to make something fun for dinner too, like make your own pizzas, and during dinner we have a little meeting to talk about everything going on that week and any other issues we need to discuss. I love that our kids count down to Monday night every week... who looks forward to Mondays?!

Well, this week's Family Night was all about issues we needed to discuss, and it was a little different than what we usually do. But I think we will have a family night like this every few months now.... we had a Safety Night.

First, we told the kids that we needed to talk about some safety things, but we also reassured them that the reason we talk about these things, practice what to do in an emergency, and make plans, is so that we can always be safe and won't have to be afraid of things that might happen. Both the girls had lots of fears and nightmares after firefighters came to visit their preschool, so I wanted to make sure we didn't add to anxiety, but instead empowered them by giving them the tools and knowledge to be safe. That went preeeetty well, except when we went outside in the dark to practice our escape/meeting place, and Sophia started screaming and FREAKING OUT. Turns out a girl in her class told Sophia that day, that she had "gone hunting at night in a cemetery and started hearing music, and then things started moving and there were ghosts everywhere." Nice. Most of the kids in Sophia's class have much older siblings, and this girl is no exception.

Anyway...

We covered the three most likely disasters to strike us - fire, tornado, and earthquake. We talked about what an emergency is, and both girls learned how to call 9-1-1 and what to say. We have a house phone that doesn't require electricity to work. I unplugged the phone, and then the girls practiced dialing 9-1-1 and I would say "911 what's your emergency?" and they would practice telling me their address and what was wrong, and I would tell them that I was sending help and to stay on the line with me. They thought that was great. (Of course we also talked about when NOT to call, and to never call as a joke). We also told them which neighbors to run to if there was an emergency and mom or dad wasn't there or one of us was hurt.

For fire safety, we first talked about not playing with matches, candles, or lighters. Then we checked the batteries in our smoke alarms. The alarm outside the girls' room is one that says "Fire! Fire!" after it beeps. We set off the alarms so they would hear how loud they are. Then we went through the house and mapped two ways out of every room. We picked a spot outside the house where we would meet. We told the girls to always go outside to our meeting spot, NOT to try to find us inside the house. We showed them how to touch a door to see if it's hot before opening it, and how to crawl low in case there is smoke, and how to cover their nose and mouth. And then we practiced - we went to every room in the house and let them show us how to get out and to our meeting place. We also practiced stop, drop, and roll. We again talked about going to the neighbors for help, and we also talked about firemen coming to help, and how they should always go to the firemen and not be scared of them. We sang this song, and they're still singing it today (it's kinda weird and annoying, but catchy and effective!) We told them if they absolutely were trapped and could not get out - to just yell so the firemen could find them.

The girls were already a little familiar with our tornado plan, because we have had sirens go off 1-2 times a year since they were babies. Unfortunately we don't have a basement, so our safe room is our small bathroom. It is in the most structurally sound (newest) and an interior part of our house and has no windows. It really is teeny, so it's funny when we all squeeze in there. We talked about what to do if they are somewhere other than home during a tornado, and how important it is to stay put even if it's boring. We talked about waiting until the storm is quiet to come out, and if mom and dad are hurt to go to the neighbors. We have a weather radio and flashlight in that bathroom.

My biggest fear here, actually, is an earthquake. We are near a large fault line that is due for a big quake, and NO ONE in Arkansas is prepared for earthquakes - and our houses are NOT built for earthquakes. A few years ago right after Katrina, someone who studied natural disasters was talking on NPR and the reporter asked him what his biggest nightmare was - and he said a big earthquake on the New Madrid fault line. We are just a poor state, not prepared for that. Anyway, we talked to the girls about what an earthquake is. When I lived in California, we had quakes fairly often, so when the big 1989 quake hit, I knew what it was and what to do. My kids have never felt an earthquake. So we talked about what it felt like and what it is. Because of our house (old brick foundation, load-bearing wall missing in the middle of the living room that a brilliant former owner took out, etc.) the safest thing for us to do is to leave the house and go to our meeting spot outside immediately. We didn't explain about gas lines breaking, but we did tell them that it was important never to light a candle even if it was dark after a quake.

We have an emergency cabinet. We showed the girls and looked at everything that was inside:

*A fire extinguisher (we have another one next to the stove)
*6 gallons of water, plus 12 more juice-box type boxes of water that came with an emergency kit
*A hand-crank and solar powered radio/flashlight/cell phone charger and 2 lightsticks
*4 foil emergency blankets
*A whistle to call for help
*Dust masks
*Emergency food bars, plus some other MRE-type emergency food that came in a kit (enough for 2 adults for 3 days - I guess we need to add some more too)
*A first aid kit with QuikClot
*In a ziplock bag, I have a sheet of paper with our name and address on the top, and then for each of our family members, our date of birth, social security numbers, drug allergies, other medical conditions, and insurance ID number. And at the bottom of the sheet, I have names, addresses, and phone numbers of our immediately family members (I have the same sheet, minus the social security numbers, in our car).
*On the door of the cabinet, I have a laminated sheet with the telephone number for poison control, and some first aid and CPR instructions

On our big family bulletin board, we also have a "Babysitter Info" sheet, which contains
*Our address
*The number for poison control, the name and number of the kids' pediatrician
*The kids' names, dates of birth, and their drug allergies
*Our names and cell phone numbers and work numbers
*The names, house locations, and phone numbers of two of our neighbors
*The name, address, and phone number of Davis's brother who lives nearby
*The location of our first aid kits (we have one that we use for every day in the big bathroom, in addition to the one in the emergency cabinet that we never use so it's always stocked), fire extinguishers, and the emergency cabinet

Davis of course wanted to prepare them for the zombie apocalypse, but I told him that had to wait for another day. Maybe next time.

I Think I Would Like Being a Photographer

if all my subjects were stuffed animals

They are so nice at doing what you want them to and not moving.

What Did Mothers Do...

I think I've mentioned before, that Sophia and I are reading Laura Ingralls's Little House books, one chapter a night, after Henry and Amelia are in bed. Our bookmark is an index card with new words on it - words like "butcher." We look at these pictures to help us really understand how a hog is butchered before it is salted and hung up to freeze and dry before the long winter. Sophia is learning more about life back in "the olden days," getting a little more grounded in things like where our food comes from, how precious things like sugar and new dresses really are.

But me, I think re-reading these books as a mother now, I am getting the better education. Sometimes, when I'm trying to do something and I throw Henry a handful of Cheerios to keep him happy, I think what did mothers do before Cheerios? Or PBS Kids? Or double strollers?

But the thing is, I do know what mothers did. I think about Caroline and her life in the woods and on the prairie. It was a hard life, for sure. But it was so much simpler. They didn't need Cheerios to keep their babies happy while waiting for their coffee at Starbucks, because they weren't running to Starbucks during nap time. They didn't need PBS Kids to entertain their children while they tried to check email, because they weren't checking email. They didn't need double strollers to run errands all over town, because they didn't drag their children all over town. They weren't trying to juggle their houses, their children, their careers, their childrens' social calendars and extra curriculars, their church volunteer duties... they put food on the table and made sure their children were safe, and when night fell, they listened to Pa play his fiddle and went to bed. Putting food on the table meant painstakingly churning butter and molding it into lovely little pats, it meant turning month-old salt pork into a meal with simple cornbread and handpicked beans. But it was beautiful, simple work. There was no constant tugging in a million different directions.

Right now I'm churning butter. The children are within feet of me, playing with their cornhusk doll. Right now I'm churning butter.

When I am cooking dinner, chopping five different vegetables - vegetables not in season, which have been shipped halfway across the world and taken for granted as they are easily plopped into my shopping basket - and listening to Pandora, helping Amelia with her Weekly Reader, talking to Davis on the phone to coordinate just exactly what time dinner will be ready, imploring Sophia to pick her many tiny Barbie accessories up off the living room floor before Henry eats them, my brain is abuzz.

Right now I am chopping vegetables. I still haven't addressed Henry's birthday invitations but I think I texted everyone the date just to be sure. I have a meeting Wednesday and I need my blue suit, which I forgot to pick up at the dry cleaner's. We have a birthday party in two weeks, but I can't find the invitation, and I need to email the mom to RSVP and get the details again. I need to make sure I have Henry's one year check up and Amelia's four year check up on the big calendar. Does Sophia have a clean white shirt for tomorrow? I need to tell Davis to check the outlet in Henry's room when he gets home. I forgot my grandfather's birthday yesterday. I still have a letter to write on my father's behalf to his attorney. I need to find a sitter for the auction next month. Right now I am chopping vegetables, but my mind is so far away.

It doesn't help that my work calendar looks like this



And so, as I think about life on the prairie, I think about simplifying. I think about the things that keep me from being able to chop vegetables in peace. The things that keep me up well after darkness falls. The things that make life so complicated and distracting. Because, when it comes right down to it, I just want to put food on our table and keep my children safe. Yes, there are some other things that must be done - going to work, getting the oil changed, going to the doctor. But there are always ways to cut back; and when my brain feels constantly abuzz, that's when I know. It's time to cut back, and it's time to organize. So, we have spent many days cleaning out the attic, organizing cabinets, purging, purging. And all the while, I am making an effort to take care of things as soon as I think of them, to keep a written to do list, to get those constant mental reminders and nagging thoughts out of my head, purging, purging.

Because the reward is priceless - it is PEACE. It is being able to give a child my undivided attention. It is being able to focus. To pour love into the stew that I am cooking. It is restful sleep.

I'm Her!

I don't judge other moms when I see them out in public, pretty much no matter what, because I know! I know this one moment does not define them, and I know the front door of the store is miles away when your child is having a fit. And today, I was that mom. I took Amelia to Walmart to get her glasses adjusted, because they kept falling off, and her eye doctor told us on Friday that she needs to wear them all the time now. I took Henry with me too. So, while we were there, I decided to shop for a few things that we needed and that were cheap there - file folders, spray paint, paper towels, etc. and a bottle of $4 wine to cook with - I needed it for dinner tonight.

By the end of the trip, Amelia was worn out and whiny and Henry was beyond worn out - he was screaming and arching his back. When the checkout girl got to the wine, she told me that she couldn't ring it up because she was under 21 (of course she was, she looked like she was 12! How old am I that I had this thought?!) So she called the manager, and we waited. We kept waiting. And waiting. I was not going to drag the kids to the liquor store for more expensive wine, and I was not going to make this dinner without any wine, because I knew it wouldn't taste as good. So we waited. Meanwhile, the five people with full carts behind me stared at me like oh my gosh! that mom! she's making her baby scream while she's just standing there waiting for her precious bottle of wine!

To make up for my Bad Mommy post, here is a picture of my angel. My friend Paula took this during her Christmas Pageant last month.

Feeding Baby: 11 Months

As I've talked about before here and here, we skipped the whole baby food thing and have mostly been feeding Henry what we eat. Occasionally I'll use a jar of Earth's Best baby food to add some extra veggie-power to something (like a jar of carrots to his spaghetti). Sometimes he got baby food when I was traveling (though often he'd split a cobb salad with me - he got the egg yolk and avocado and chewed on the crust of whatever bread came with it).

Well, I thought I'd share what he's eating these days. He must be going through a growth spurt, because right now he's eating big portions! Here is our menu for this week, and what Henry gets:

Sunday - moo shu pork and vegetables and pancakes (Henry eats everything we eat - all the veggies and meat are shredded)

Monday - beef stew, french bread, salad (Henry eats stew - I chop his beef, carrots, and potatoes very small and he feeds himself)

Tuesday - breakfast for dinner by Daddy (I'm in class Tuesday nights) (Henry eats leftover stew with a jar of carrot baby food mixed in, and a little eggs and sausage)

Wednesday - linguini with clams, big salad (Henry hasn't had shellfish yet, so he has blueberries and strawberries from our salad and some leftover barley soup from the freezer)

Thursday - vegetarian chili, cornbread (Henry eats everything we eat)

Friday - French onion soup (Henry has leftover veggie chili and a little French onion soup)

As you can see, we eat a lot of soups and stews this time of year. In the summer you'd see lots of salads.

For breakfast he often eats eggs or yogurt or oatmeal and some fruit. He's especially fond of blueberries and bananas these days. He does like this, although I have a really hard time feeding it to him, because it looks like vomit. Yuck! Oh and give that baby a pancake and he is one happy little dude - no syrup required! I also usually have a giant freezer bag of whole wheat banana mini muffins in the freezer, which the girls and Henry have for breakfast or snacks during the week.

For lunch, he sometimes eats leftovers or just a bunch of random things on his tray - today he had small pieces of cheese, pears, ham and wheat crackers. I also freeze small portions of soup (I just make extra when I make it for dinner) and keep them in the freezer for the kids to have for lunch during the week.

Henry still nurses, though he's also getting (this) formula, because my milk supply dropped dramatically when I was pregnant and never came back. We're happy doing a combo right now and will keep it up for a while longer.

A Good Start

In 2010, the year started off with lots of drama. This year, no drama - things are nice and settled and calm. And for some reason, we've mostly spent the past month huddled together - our little family of five. We've pulled away just a little from the outside world, not as many play dates and visitors and social events.

We've unplugged the phone lots of nights. Sorry if you've called. And if you know me, you know I check messages about once a month; sorry about that too. We haven't spent much time on the computers or watching TV. Sorry if I owe you an email or blog comment. Once we even ignored a knock at the door. Sorry if that was you.

No, we've been very content to spend our days just hanging out at home. On weekends sometimes we've stayed in our pajamas all day and had leftover breakfast for lunch.

We've been practicing our photography as you can see, we've been sitting around on the floor all watching Henry entertain us, playing the new games we got for Christmas, baking, doodling and practicing writing, organizing the attic, reading, cleaning, talking, taking bubble baths together, deciding to leave that mistletoe hanging in the kitchen doorway... smooching. Things are good here at home. Sorry if I've neglected you, my friends and my blog.

This morning, in the car on the way to school, Sophia drew a lamb and showed it to us. Amelia said "I don't like lambs." We asked her why, and she said, "because they are the baaaaaaaadest." Ha ha ha ha ha! We laughed the whole rest of the way to school, with Amelia repeating "baaaadest."

I Shouldn't Have Said Anything

1. I blogged about how I was looking forward to seeing Henry's face when he first sees our Christmas tree, since he missed out on the decorating fun. Well, about an hour later - at 11 p.m. - Henry woke up super excited and ready to check out the tree! He was so cute, and I kinda loved it, even though he was NOT supposed to be awake.

It reminded me of the exact same reaction that his sisters had to their first Christmas tree. At first he stared in wonder.

And then he started un-decorating.

Look - his teeth!

Does this look like a kid who's about to go back to bed?

He didn't think so either, but too bad! After 45 minutes of admiring the tree and hanging out, he got stuck back in bed and eventually did get back to sleep.

2. A couple of nights ago, I was hanging out with my friend Lisa who is a kindergarten teacher (and really, a saint), and I was telling her all the things I couldn't handle about her job. And I said that I can't handle throw up, and I was so thankful that my kids have NEVER thrown up (except Sophia sort of did, related to meds/surgery in the hospital). I even knocked on the porch swing when I said it. But... Sophia woke up 10 minutes after Henry went back to sleep and was awake from midnight until 4:30 a.m., throwing up every thirty minutes. It was so sad and pitiful, she kept crying and saying "this is the worst night EVER!" Davis had to work Saturday, so I stayed up with her until we both couldn't stand it anymore and laid down together. Then she threw up on my hair. I felt so bad for her. Luckily she woke up feeling totally fine, and after some Pedialyte, waiting, and then a piece of toast, she was deemed healed.

(P.S. I have never won the lottery)