Free

So as I alluded to earlier, this has been a dark time for me lately. I threw myself a big, long pity party and frequently invited God in just long enough to yell at Him and tell Him how angry, sad and disappointed I was. I felt like my three year old when she's not getting her way - kicking, screaming, and completely convinced that my way was the only way. Thankfully, God is a more patient parent than I am, and He put up with it all these months.

I tried to pull myself up. I told myself ALL. THE. TIME. that God has a plan, that I need to trust Him. I feel like a failure for not trusting Him, for being angry with Him, for not being able to just LET GO and stop obsessing about MY wants and needs and follow the path that He has chosen for me.

I have felt consumed with my own desires this past year. My whole life I wanted three children close together, and for some reason I feel selfishly entitled to get that.Then the other night, everything changed.

I was in bed, and I opened my Bible and let God lead me to a passage like He often does. ... my Bible fell open and my hand fell onto Psalm 113 - one I wasn't that familiar with. I read it, suddenly realizing that my struggles are about humility and how much I have been consumed with my own desires this past year... I just started thinking of how far from the path I've strayed, losing sight of everything I believe in in my quest to have things my way. As I read the Psalm aloud to myself, I just pledged to make things right, to let go and set my focus back on God rather than ME. When I got to the last paragraph I just gasped.

Psalm 113
1 Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD.
2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.
4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.
9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

I just suddenly felt FREE. Free from the burden and obsession and desire that has clutched at my heart these past few months. I felt totally okay with however things might turn out. I finally GOT IT. Even though I had been telling myself the same over and over, for some reason it finally got through my thick skull - this is not my life, I am not in charge, I do not know best.

I am so sad to think back on these past six months... I am sad that I let myself stray so far from God. I am sad that I missed out on so much happiness with my children. I am sad that I not just let myself forget about this blog, but about the message behind it - my gratitude was replaced with greed.

I don't know if God will give us another child. If He does, I don't know when. And I'm okay with that. What a relief to once again surrender the reigns, to know that He knows the plans He has for me. It's not my job to plan out my children, it's not my job to go to the ends of medical science to have a baby, it's not my job to worry about when/how/if... it's my job to Praise the Lord every day for the gifts He has given me, and to enjoy them with all my heart.