Marriage, or, Why You Should Argue in Front of the Kids

I want to start off by saying this post is just my opinion... I know all of my posts are just my opinion, but this one in particular is not based on scripture, on any books I've read, or any great wisdom I've gleaned from another source, it's just what I think. It's also pretty personal, but I feel compelled to write it.

I want to start by saying that I LOVE my husband. I have spend more than a third of my life with him, and he is my rock. For all of its ups and downs and in-betweens, I truly believe that I have a fabulous marriage.

My parents never fought in front of my brother and me. Not once. I found out later that they never fought, period. Then, when I was eleven years old, my dad moved to another state and they got divorced. Sound sudden and a little surprising? It was. Apparently there were irreconcilable differences.

Now I'm not saying you should fight in front of your kids so that when you get divorced they won't be shocked. But I am going to make a case for arguing, and even arguing in front of your children. Please hear me out (or don't, if you don't want - that's the cool thing about blogs).

The end of our first year of marriage was very difficult, and I've discovered that it is for a lot of couples, and I have a theory about why. When you're dating, you try really hard to keep the relationship alive, because you know that if you don't, you'll break up. You also discuss and argue over differences, because you want to make sure your partner knows what's bothering you. You're laying down the ground-rules for them inhabiting a spot in your heart. Well, the day you get married, you get handed this piece of paper that says you can't break up now. And you think phew! After that, you (completely subconsciously) stop trying as hard. You don't try as hard to keep the relationship alive, because you know it can't die. You also stop discussing your differences, because you figure it doesn't matter - I mean, I'm not going to divorce him over the whole sock-on-the-floor issue, so why bring it up? We happily skated along like that our whole first year of marriage, and then suddenly, everything seemed to crash down. After just one year, we were developing "differences" (I imagine after 14 years, like with my parents, they may have become "irreconcilable"), we had "drifted apart" and "changed."

When I listen to friends of mine justify divorce, I am always dumbfounded by a few phrases that I hear over and over again...

He/she changed
Thank God (no really, I thank Him) I am a different person than I was when I was twenty-one! Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone stayed exactly the same after their wedding day? If you and your spouse don't make a point of connecting in a meaningful way every little life-changing step of the way, how will your marriage survive something hugely life-changing? We're not supposed to stay the same. We grow, we realize we've made mistakes, we change. Just don't forget to take your spouse along for the ride. Remember the whole co-sleeping thing? I can't tell you how many arguments we've had, because I was adamant about keeping our bed just for us and not letting the kids in. Well I changed my mind. I'm not the same person I was two weeks ago.

We drifted apart
The whole point of marriage is to stay tethered together. You only drift if you allow yourself to drift.

There were irreconcilable differences
Here's really where the whole point of this post comes in... how "irreconcilable" are those differences if you've never tried to reconcile them? Hashing out your differences - big and small - is vital for maintaining that meaningful connection. If you bottle up the small things that bother you, resentment will build and grow into something much harder to manage. We all have our differences. It drives me crazy that my husband sucks at doing anything special for my birthday, or even remembering it! But you know what? If I trade him in for another guy who is really super great at birthday gifts, THAT guy will have faults too and we'll have our differences too. Two people together will always have differences, and if you trade in one marriage for another, you're just trading in one set of differences for another. Which brings me to another reason arguing is good...

Infidelity
My husband and I have dealt with infidelity on both sides before we were married, so I speak from experience. Please don't skip this paragraph because you are immune from the effects of infidelity - we must always guard against it, because when we let our guard down, we are most vulnerable to it. Even though with all of my heart I am determined to stay faithful to my husband, even though I know this is important enough to God that it is a Commandment, I know that temptation can creep in when we are not vigilant.

When you are not hashing things out with your spouse, when you've let small things turn into big resentment, you are opening a door to infidelity. Almost all affairs I have witnessed have started this way - a spouse is unhappy with his or her partner, and slowly they begin to discuss their grievances not with their spouse but with someone else. A coworker, a friend, a neighbor, a stranger. But instead of being productive, these discussions just help to reaffirm the resentment, and the person gets validation from this other person. You know where it goes from there. The point is, it could have been avoided if instead of confiding in another person, the unfaithful spouse had confided in his or her spouse. And by confide I do mean oh-my-gosh-you-are-absolutely-driving-me-to-the-edge-of-insanity!

Now, about the children... I cannot tell you how often I hear people tell me they would never argue in front of their children, like this is the new Golden Rule. Well, let me go completely against the grain and tell you - we argue in front of our children.

I think we do our children a disservice if we lead them to believe that marriage is easy, that when you marry the perfect person there are no disagreements. Despite the staggering divorce rate, I still encounter so many young people (okay I can't say that... I'm not old!) who still believe that when they marry their soul mate everything will be perfect forever and there will be no fights. Then when reality hits, they assume they married the wrong person and get divorced. No, marriage is hard work. Sometimes, it sucks. Sometimes, you just stay together to stay together and "ride it out" for a few days, weeks, months, until the storm passes. But for every obstacle you overcome, your marriage becomes stronger.

Arguing in front of your children shows them what a real marriage is like. And in the process, it can teach them a few other lessons.

I see disagreements between us as spiritual exercise. Both for me as a person, but also as a model for my children, learning to argue meaningfully and respectfully stretches and builds up a few character traits I need to exercise regularly. Honesty is so important to me (did you know Vera means "truth?") I believe honesty is a cornerstone of a good marriage, and is vital if differences are to be worked out. Certain behaviors - like name calling - are completely unproductive and should be banned (in front of the children or not). Let this be a lesson in self control. A huge part of productive arguing is listening, and acknowledging when you're wrong. By nature I'm horrible at this, but I use my marriage as a daily test to help me be more humble. Forgive and be compassionate.

Sometimes, my husband and I will argue over something with the children near. I might tell Sophia afterwards "I'm frustrated with Daddy right now, but you know I love him so much!" and a little while later she will witness that love when we kiss and make up. We apologize and come to some understanding. We do an extra kind thing for each other. We stay together.

I promise my kids are not going to grow up saying "my parents were at each other's throats all. the. time." But neither will they grow up thinking that our marriage was "perfect" in the sense that it was easy or we were somehow so compatible that we had no differences.

My husband and I have differences. If we don't try to reconcile those differences constantly, they will feel irreconcilable. We are two people, and therefore by nature will drift apart when we do not make an effort to stay together. We are changing every day. I am not the same person he married, and he is not the same person I married. Hopefully in a few years we won't be the same people we are today.

I leave you with this conversation between one of my best friends, A, and her former student, S, who was three years old:

A: are you okay? You look tired.
S: No, I couldn't sleep. My parents were yelling at each other all night long.
A: Oh, I'm sorry.
S: Yeah, Mommy was sitting at the computer. And then Daddy went and got her wallet, and he got out all of her baseball cards and cut them up with scissors.