Someone recently asked me at what point during my pregnancy with Henry I felt "safe," considering my previous miscarriages. There were all those reassuring milestones - getting beyond 6 weeks when I had lost the other babies, seeing his little gummy bear shape on ultrasound, hearing his heart beat... then there were all those scary moments - getting my initial lab values back, not being able to find his heart beat for so long that my OB brought out the ultrasound machine, being in preterm labor at 29 weeks... but really, those weren't the things that made me feel "safe" or "scared."
The minute I saw two lines on a pregnancy test, each and every one of those six times, my heart was instantly filled with indescribable happiness and indescribable fear. At that moment, I knew, I had so much to lose. And having so much to lose is awesome - because it means you have something incredibly valuable. And the truth is, once we become mothers, we will always have so much to lose. That happiness and that fear never goes away. I knew week 7 of my pregnancy wasn't a guarantee. But I also know another year with Sophia or Amelia isn't a guarantee.
Sophia's medical condition gives her up to a 1 in 4 chance of getting malignant melanoma, and up to a 1 in 3 chance of getting another condition that is fatal in up to 95% of cases with no cure. I could spend my days thinking about what if... I can stop writing this paragraph right now and break down in agony at the thought of losing her. Or. Or I can thank God with all my might that I have been given this precious soul to love and care for, that I am allowed to feel a love so great that I cannot fathom letting it go. Because I don't have a child with melanoma or neurocutaneous melanosis. I have Sophia, alive and well and sleeping soundly after a long day of playing and swimming. That is what I am given - this day, this hour, this moment. And it is so sweet.
And so it was with Henry's pregnancy. I knew this would be our last baby. I knew that nothing on this earth compares to the anticipation and joy and hopefulness that comes with pregnancy. And I vowed to soak up every minute of it. I prayed hard that the guarded feeling around my heart would go away, so that I could totally fall in love with that gummy bear. And boy did I ever! The thing is, as painful as those losses were, I never regretted loving the babies that I lost. I never regretted feeling excited and hopeful those days and weeks that I had them. And I knew that love given to a baby would never be wasted, regardless of whether I got to keep that baby or not.
And so, I continue to forge ahead into that wonderful, terrifying land of So Much To Lose.
5 comments:
Vera,
What a truly wonderful post. I feel like I don't have the right words to tell you how much I appreciate the thought, feeling and honesty you have written.
Being a mom is the most wonderful thing in the world but also the scariest. It's up to us to determine which we will focus on. Resting in faith is all we can do while we choose to love our babies.
Anyways, I hope I have conveyed my appreciation for such a brilliantly written post.
Vera, what a wonderfully written, heartfelt post. You are so right, we are never guaranteed that our children will be with us for any amount of time. For you, and Sophia's condition, this is so true. Your way of looking at it is so heartwarming. You are right, we just have to love them while we have them. In life there are so many "what if's", and if we live in fear of them...it isn't a very happy life. Enjoy the moments and live and love...that is what we should be striving for.
Well said. I, too, lost 3 (maybe 4). I had ectopic pregnancies and was so hopeful with my last pregnancy...I now have a 9 year old boy!
What beautiful words!
I do not know you, nor do I know if you weill ever see this comment, but i must say you have ministered to my heart. I am recovering from a tubal pregnancy, of a baby that may not have been planned but was very much wanted. IT has been hard, and the "what ifs" are swirling around in my head like crazy. It could happen again, is the biggest one, big enough that I have wanted to stop allowing another pregnancy to be a possibility. Thank you for this post. I needed it.
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