Seasons and Stepping Stones

I have begun a class called EFM. It is at our church, but is actually a course offered through the University of the South at Sewanee's School of Theology. I am so very, very excited about starting this program, which is a four year program - one night a week for 2.5 hours, plus lots of homework and reading. I've wanted to take it since I first found out about it a few years ago. The fact that I am now able to do it, that alone shows that I am in a new season, because I would not have been able to commit to it before.

The first assignment involves developing a spiritual autobiography. The books talks about "stepping stones" being moments or times in our life - you know those things that are the major points in your life. You might linger on one for longer than another, but you end up hopping onto the next stone and forward across the river.

As I've begun to reflect on the stepping stones of my life, and the present state of my life, I have realized that I love this stone I am on. This is a season of great joy in my life. Since I was a little girl, I always thought 32 would be the best age to be (I don't know why, except I remember when my mom was 32, and I thought she seemed pretty perfect to me!) I just knew it would be a really amazing year for me. Next month I will be 32, and I think I was right all these years. I think I've just hopped onto a new stone, and it feels warm and soft and safe, and I think I might rest here for a while before moving on.

My last stone, the season that I think ended about seven months ago with Henry's birth - it was amazing, soul-stretching, exhilarating, exhausting. I think it began with Sophia's birth. Not only did I become a mother, and experience that instant transformation, the one you can't possibly anticipate. The one that is more wonderful and terrifying than you ever imagined. But it was also a crippling time for me, a time that forced me to lay down any notion that I could do anything in this life without God's constant presence in my life - moment to moment sustaining and holding me up. The first three years of Sophia's life, with six surgeries and the deepest fears I have ever felt. Then after Amelia, trying for Henry and losing two babies, grief and a new kind of desperation I had never known. Then my pregnancy, which was harder and scarier than my others, was yet another reminder that my family lay in the hands of God, completely. So much uncertainty, so much anticipation and unsettled excitement and uncertainty.

And then, Henry slipped into the world late one freezing night. Peacefully, sleepily. And our family was complete. We were healed and whole and happy. The next four months, when I got to be home with my baby and pick my girls up from school and soak up lazy spring mornings, were probably the happiest months of my life so far. And as spring rolled into summer and then into fall, I realized this is it. These are the happiest days of my life. This is that too-brief time that I have a soft and snuggly sweet-smelling baby. My house is full of laughter and screaming and the most beautiful chaos in the world - every frustration and moment of seeming insanity is borne from the privilege of having small children in my house. Three precious souls who right now live with me, listen to me, crawl into my lap, want my kisses before they can fall asleep, and think those kisses heal scraped knees and broken hearts.

I have dreamed of this season my whole life. When I was a little girl, fixing dinner in my play kitchen - brussel sprouts were tiny lettuces - for my babies, lined up all in a row, I knew I was rehearsing for the starring role of my life. And here I am, the curtain has lifted and the show has begun. And I think, I better get it right and soak up every minute of it, because all too soon the curtain will fall and it will be time to hop onto the next stone.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8