Everything Is Different

Looking at the pictures of Henry and Dad from my last post and reading my Tweets and posts from those couple of days, it strikes me what a different person I was exactly two weeks ago. It seems like just yesterday, yet it seems unreachably far away. When something tragic happens do you, it is striking how quickly you become a completely changed person.

I think about me before my baby died, before my other babies died, before we went through all of Sophia's surgeries, before ____ (there are about 3 or 4 other events I can insert here, some of which I might share here one day). It's easy to see, two weeks later, that I am sadder than I was on Thanksgiving Day. It's hard not to read my Tweets and posts and feel jealous of that Vera. I want to go back and live just a few more moments in that time.

I feel like I am being chipped away at, and it doesn't feel good right now. It's hard to own this pain. Being changed is uncomfortable. In the midst of this darkness, I can't see the better me that comes from this. I don't know who she is yet. I don't know what is being chipped away or what lies beneath.

But I have faith. There is grace in suffering, even if it is too dark for me to see it in the moment. I have HOPE, and I know I will emerge - the light will be brighter after the darkness.

Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.

Rabindranath Tagore

At a church group Thursday night, a friend of mine said that you never realize how good it feels to be well except right after you've been sick. How true is that?! Well, I am sick right now - I have a stuffy nose and a sore throat and an achy body. I can't even really remember what it was like when my body felt well, and I've only been sick for a few days. I know in a few more days, I will be well again. And I will appreciate that wellness more than I did a week ago. And soon, not in a few days, but weeks and months, my soul will also heal. And I will be more thankful, more whole, more me than I was two weeks ago. And because I have faith, I will sing out with thanksgiving and hope even though it is still night - because that's what this whole blog is about.

Lord, it is with hope and quiet anticipation, that I am transformed by this pain. I will follow you, my shepherd, through this valley. Although I don't know what awaits me on the other side, I know you will lead me to green pastures. Let your light shine brighter through me because I have walked through this darkness.