Sadness (A Long and Rambling Post)

It's been a very HAPPY week, first of all. I got to spend Monday at a friend's house - she moved only about 30 minutes away, but we are finding it harder to get together now (that's pitiful, and we've vowed to be better about it!). So because it was a holiday and I wasn't working, the kids and I went to her house and had a playdate with her girls and another friend and her three kids (does that even make sense? Basically, the playroom got TRASHED). Then I went on a trip in the middle of the week for work, to Fayetteville, and I got to see another friend who moved there last year and another friend who lives there. We went to dinner and my favorite Thai restaurant - when I was in college (they did not have a website at the time), basically all I ate was pad Thai from there, kettle corn from the farmer's market, and pizza. I also got to wander around my favorite bookstore (not only did they not have a Facebook page when I went to college, Facebook didn't exist!) Yesterday was Amelia's birthday party, which started at 3 pm, and because some sweet friends lingered, didn't end until around 8 pm. It was fun and happy, and I'll post about it tomorrow.

This blog is a little odd, I guess, because it is both a place that I post updates about what we're up to, and random recipes and things, but it also turned into somewhat of a journal for me at some point. I have always written a lot, in one form or another. I have boxes of journals in the attic, which keep me awake with worry at the thought of anyone ever reading them. I can't even read some of them, they are so mortifying, but it feels like a betrayal of my younger self to throw them out (or better yet, burn them!) I have a little book published under a pen name. I am famous (more like infamous, I'm sure) for writing ridiculously long emails. I used to write letters like that - Davis has a few of them saved in the attic too.

I have a group of friends and some family who read to keep up with us, since I'm NOT on Facebook (here's why). But then also, this blog has connected me with some other friends - friends who I have not (yet!) met in person, but who are bonded with me through the grief of losing babies. And having those connections is such a blessing. Because this thing is HARD, and those who haven't been through it will ever really understand. It makes me sad to think that women not too long ago went their whole lives carrying a burden like this alone. My great aunt had a baby, and he died just a few days after birth from an infection that also required her to have a hysterectomy. Her only child. And she never talked about him, about her grief. Even today, too many women have miscarriages and go through it all alone, and that makes me sad. Because this thing is HARD, and it's isolating and lonely, because those who haven't been though it will ever really understand. So I also blog for anyone out there who needs to know that they are NOT alone and some of us DO understand. Reading the blogs of others who have been through it has been such a blessing to me.

Since Violet died, I have been "okay." I have a great life, and I can't even count all of the things I have to be thankful for (though I make a point of thinking about them often!). But my heart is heavy, and unfortunately it's bringing my brain down with it. I am distracted and I have a really hard time concentrating and remembering things. Sometimes it really sucks, to be honest. I've forgotten things I needed to do at work, and I've basically gotten to where I need to do something the minute I think of it or write it down. I feel a little "hazy" often, like I have to force myself to be totally present in the moment. I have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep.

And though I truly know that I AM okay, I also know, I have the blues. And there's not really anything that needs to be done about it... someone suggested counseling, but really, it's just simply that my baby died. And I'm sad. That's all. I have been through this before, and I know time and God will heal these wounds. They are already healing, and in the coming year, these blues will fade away. I will always have my Violet in my heart, the way no one else on this earth does (and THAT is one of the hardest, most isolating things about this). I'm not sure how I'll ever love Thanksgiving again. Every June 18th, I'll remember what should have been. But, all in all, time will pass and what feels raw and jagged now will smooth over. I read back on my posts from a few weeks ago, and I am thankful that I am in a different place than I was then. And in a few more weeks, I will read back on this thread and be thankful that things are better.

Tonight, it was cold in our house and the girls and I were so warm, snuggled up for our bedtime stories on the couch, that we broke our one-story-each rule and just kept reading until Amelia was snoring. We read Christina Katrina and the Box (the book Sophia is taking to show and tell tomorrow as her favorite bedtime story), Angelina Ballerina, Benjamin Bunny, The Blizzard, and The Velveteen Rabbit. And I cried and cried all through the Velveteen Rabbit. I have no idea why, and when Sophia said "MOM! What's wrong with you?!" I started laughing. These emotions, they are crazy and exhausting, but they are healing too. I think I just needed a good cry, so thank you Velveteen Rabbit, I do feel better now.