I'm Losing It

I went to my doctor last week and told him I lost my memory. He ran a bunch of blood tests and said "I expect everything to come back normal, then I'll send you to a psychiatrist" (or something to that effect).

I have my whole life been known for being organized, dependable, "together." Sure I had goofy moments where I totally spaced on something, but honestly, they were very rare. Even at the height of stress (studying for the Bar exam while pregnant and Sophia having surgery and ending up in the ICU four days later) and sleeplessness (two babies, 19 months apart, neither sleeping), my brain seemed to be working okay. But now...

-I looked at Sophia's lunch menu and noticed that she needed a packed lunch one morning, then somewhere between that moment and 20 minutes later when she left for school, I forgot to pack one.

-I missed both a meeting and a conference call at work, which is HORRIBLE and makes me feel so bad, I can't even put it into words. This is NOT like me.

-I addressed the envelope for one of Henry's birthday thank yous and wrote our address for the recipient address, so that it came back to us. Then when it did, I stared at it for a long time trying to figure out what was going on.

-When I have a thought - something I need to do, someone I need to email or call, something I need to buy, etc. - if I don't write it down that very instant, it's gone. I call Davis and by the time he picks up the phone, I've forgotten why I called. I start to do something and then forget what it was. I get everyone loaded in the car, and then have to run into the house 2 or 3 more times for things I forgot. This happens to everyone, I know, but it's happening to me NONSTOP right now.

-I frequently have to stop and think hard about what day of the week it is and what's going on (the whole snow day situation made this a million times worse!) Sometimes I'm not even totally sure what time of day it is (did I just get to work or is it almost time to go home?)

-I couldn't think of the name of my assistant - the woman who works for me, the one who sits right outside my office, the one I speak to a hundred times a day, the one I hired, the one who keeps me on track and helps me out constantly (now more than ever!) - it took me several freaky minutes of brain blankness to think of it.

source

All of this started happening a couple of months ago, so I assumed that I was preoccupied and grieving, probably a little depressed, after Violet's death. And the holidays are always crazy. But it's gotten worse. I am trying to sleep more, but I have three little kids. I am being much stricter with myself about eating well and taking my vitamins, and I am going to give up sugar again (eep!) I am working so, so hard to be present in the moment and to slow down. I am trying to not commit to so many things, but that is sooooo hard right now.

In the meantime, I have notes everywhere

That last one is stuck on the inside of my bathroom mirror - it looks pretty, but how sad is it that I need to be reminded to wash my face? And to review my to do list!!!

A dear old friend, a psychologist who is brilliant and will cure Alzheimer's one day, and who I worked for many years ago, told me that I am probably just making everything worse by worrying about it and stressing myself out. And she's right. I HATE being like this. But I am trying to not let it get to me. I am waiting on the results of some follow up blood tests, but I too am going to assume that everything will be normal. I am going to assume, and hope, that this is temporary.