I Have an Opinion Too: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I read the Wall Street Journal article, I heard her on NPR, I read responses all over the blogoshphere, but I couldn't bring myself to read Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Until today, when I picked it up and read it cover to cover in one sitting.

Wow. Like everyone else, I have a lot of feelings about this book...

I hate parenting books. I never read them, and I strongly discourage other people (especially new parents) from reading them. I believe that the single greatest tool we have as parents is our intuition. It is the ONLY thing that will make us successful parents. And there is no faster way to quash our intuition than to start reading parenting books and looking around to see what others are doing. Parenting books are all about some "model" of parenting (Chinese parenting, attachment parenting, etc.), when in reality, successful parenting is anything but a "model."

I believe as mothers we have within ourselves all the knowledge needed to be good parents to our children - we know what we believe, we know what we want for our children, we know what values and pursuits are worthwhile, and most importantly, we know our children. No one else does, not like we do.

Amy Chua's beliefs, hopes, values, and goals are not mine. Her children are not my children. What I admire about her, and what I think many people have admired about her, is that she believed in her parenting choices and she stuck with them. She fought hard for what she believed it, and she ignored what everyone around her was doing or thought about her parenting. There's no room for peer pressure in good parenting.

And right there, I think we have a lot to learn. It is HARD to stand up for what you believe, especially when your children are involved. It is HARD not to doubt your decisions and beliefs, especially in the realm of parenting - an utterly terrifying pursuit for which we are completely unprepared when we embark on it. It is HARD to watch others make different decisions (often defensively making comments that subtly criticize our choices).

Sophia's class is full of kids who have older (some much older) siblings. I have heard several times about how Sophia wasn't allowed to play with the other girls at recess, because they were playing Hanna Montana, and she didn't know any of the words to the songs. I've listened to her trying to engage in a conversation with her best friend, who was talking about a show called iCarly, which Sophia had never heard of and felt completely ignorant about. She's asked me many times if she could watch those shows, and every time has gotten the same response "absolutely not." One time she asked "when can I watch Hannah Montana?" and I answered "Honey, by the time you can watch Hannah Montana, she won't be around anymore" (she'll be in rehab!). I've said no to sleepovers, to shoes with heels (for a five year old!), to sodas, to TV shows, to booster seats in the car... and I am completely alone in those decisions, when compared to Sophia's friends' parents.

The thing is, I don't think I'm a better parent than those parents. I am not boasting that I'm strict or chiding people who choose to let their children watch those shows. But I KNOW I am a better parent to MY CHILDREN than anyone else could be. I know what I believe and I am willing to be unpopular (with my child and my peers) to uphold my beliefs.

I agree with a lot of things that Chua said in her book. I loved

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortiture on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up.

As a first generation immigrant, I have to say, there is a LOT about Amy Chua that reminded me of my mother. A frightening amount - including lots of things that made me hate her, to be honest. But I believe in having high expectations of your kids, much, much higher expectations than they have for themselves. I believe academic achievement is vital, and I intend for my children to pursue whatever makes them happy as long as it involves at least one college degree. When I was growing up, there was no question about whether we would go to college, only a question of which graduate degree we would pursue afterward. I didn't even know (ha ha ha) until I was 23 years old and in law school that high school wasn't mandatory! I intend on making sure my children are equally ignorant. They will be taking piano lessons, whether they want to or not, and they will practice every day (though not five hours). And there will always be an expectation of respect for their elders - if I ask Sophia to do something, like set the table, I not only make her do it whether she wants to or not, but I make her do it WITH A HAPPY FACE. My children learn to eat with a fork and knife and real dishes at age two, they place napkins on their laps, and they never leave the table without asking to be excused.

But. Those "basics" are the end of my "rules" for parenting. After that, I have to improvise. Nothing that works for Sophia works for Amelia. Not only can I not be the same mother to them, it would be wrong to be the same mother to them. They need different discipline, different expectations, different rules. True we're only 5.5 years into this parenting gig, but we have never dealt with sibling rivalry in our house. And I believe it's because, despite being treated differently and parented differently, our children know that they are loved equally.

I have other beliefs about our children and parenting. I believe that there are only a very few, short years that our children get to be children. That playfulness, creativity, and ability to totally be themselves lasts only a few years before it is slowly choked away by school and other demands on their time and their little minds. And so, in a radical, purely intuitive move that I don't second guess or regret for a single second, I decided that this year the girls would do NO extra curricular activities. No soccer, no art class, no baby basketball, no computer classes after school. And I was right - Sophia comes home from school, gathers handfuls of baby blankets, tiny china dishes, and her baby dolls, and she heads out to the fort that Davis built in the backyard, and she and her sister spend all afternoon until I call them in for dinner outside playing. And it is EXACTLY what she needs right now. There is no piano drilling, math flash carding, ANYTHING that I would trade that in for.

Sophia is creative, passionate, loving, and sensitive. She is out-going and thrives on new experiences, though she's also a perfectionist and doesn't like taking chances if she might fail. I know what she needs - she needs room to be herself and freedom to be creative, she needs time with her friends but also strictly observed family rituals (like Family Night). She needs to be pushed out of her comfort zone and forced to do more than she thinks she can do.

Amelia is introverted, stubborn, sensitive, and quiet. She is a home-body and functions best with routines and order. She is funny with the most awesome dry humor. She is thirsty for knowledge and tenacious, and will keep trying until she masters something. I know what she needs - she needs constancy, routine, and her family around. She needs boundaries but I have to choose where to draw battle lines, and I do pick my battles carefully. Unlike Chua, I would never threaten something I wasn't willing to carry through with - especially not with Amelia.

Henry just needs snuggles. :)

My point is this - Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is a great book, when read as a memoir of one mother's experience parenting her two daughters. There are good parenting lessons to be learned - the virtue of truly investing time in our children (REAL time, not just shuttling them around), and the importance of learning to be flexible and learning who our children are. Reading about (or seeing) what other parents are doing is okay if it forces you to think about what you believe and want for your own children, as long as the conclusions you draw are your own.

There is no book that will tell you how to successfully or "properly" raise your children. No author, pediatrician, child psychologist, teacher or friend knows. Your mother doesn't know and neither does your great-great aunt. You are your children's only mother. And the best thing you can do for them is to learn who they are, what their strengths and weaknesses are, what they need to succeed and be happy in this world, and how to parent them. Then figure out what you believe - about early academics versus free play, about learning computer skills versus playing outdoors, about popular culture versus old-fashioned values, about piano lessons, soft drinks, happiness, scholastic achievement, creativity, vaccinating, potty training, WHATEVER - and be that parent. Do what is right for your family, regardless of what others are doing or saying. That doesn't mean don't be flexible, don't reassess if things aren't working, but it does mean be confident in your ability to know what's best for your family.