Forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
Lewis Smedes

The topic of forgiveness has been on my mind and heart all summer. It was the topic of our sermon in church Sunday. I have had several great conversations with friends about forgiveness lately. When I can't stop thinking about something, it's usually time to blog about it!

When I wonder, to what lengths are we called upon to forgive? The answer is simple. "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." That is the answer to every excuse we may come up with about why we have NOT forgiven something. But what he did was TOO wrong... But it hasn't been long enough... But she's not sorry yet...

Now that we have that out of the way - the question of whether our faith really requires that we forgive under these circumstances - the hard part is the how. C.S. Lewis said "every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive." And it's true, it is much easier to recognize the theoretical value of forgiveness, to acknowledge the spiritual need to forgive, than to actually DO the forgiving.

One reason I wanted to write about this, is because I feel like I have been given a gift. And when I talk about it, it sounds like bragging, like I've figured out something that's hard for other people, and that is why I have NOT wanted to blog about it - because that is not it AT ALL. Believe me, I am absolutely no better of a person than anyone else (quite the contrary - I am in need of much forgiveness myself every day!!). I am just blessed, and I have been my whole life - long before I recognized it. I can forgive - sometimes easier and faster than other times - and when I forgive, I completely forgive, and I forget. We all have our trials, and I also don't want to sound like I have led some horrible life or been some sort of martyr. But I have had people hurt me in my life, deeply. And I have forgiven all of them. And I can honestly tell you that I cannot evoke any feelings of anger or hurt toward them. Some acts against me were big enough that I have not forgotten what happened (though in many, many instances I have), I have forgotten the feelings of mine that those actions brought on.

In one case, a man did something awful to me when I was twelve years old - I remember a lot of things about that night, but I do not remember him. I have lots of reasons to, but I don't. I could not begin to tell you what he looks like, and I don't know his last or his first name. I know the hurt that his actions caused me in the years that followed. But today, I know that pain and the turmoil that it caused in my life brought me to where I am today and made me into the person that I am now. I have been able to look another hurting person in the eye and say "I know" because of what happened. I am stronger and different because of what happened. And so I no longer hurt because of it. And him? Why do I not hate him? Why do I not even remember him? Because he doesn't matter. What mattered was what God ultimately did with me and my life. That is my journey. That man, wherever his life has taken him since, has his own journey. And I have no doubt that God is in charge of it too, so I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to be angry that his prison sentence was too short. I don't have to think about his own children and what his actions did to their lives. I don't have to wonder whether he is sorry or whether he ever realized how much hurt he caused. It's not MY problem, thank God.

And that brings me to what I believe the biggest part of forgiveness is - it is FAITH. Faith that our Father is truly in charge. If we believe that God is the ultimate judge, then we must let go of our own judgment. If we believe that God determines the fate of people's lives and souls, then we can let go of the burden of trying to see that justice through. I don't have to spend the rest of my life keeping track of, thinking about, wondering whether my offender is sorry, whether he "got what he deserved." I can lay that burden down. Because I believe with all of my heart that my Heavenly Father is taking care of it for me. And oh, my friends, THAT is the most amazing blessing EVER!!

When we carry a hurt around, when we are angry, when we stew and obsess and re-live over and over again, it is US being hurt. And I have been there. There have been months and months that I have carried that burden with me - and it is like a cancer that eats away at me. It poisons my spirit and ruins my every day. It creeps in whenever my mind is still, it comes to remind me that "all is not well" when I am happy, and it weighs me down. When there are people in my life with whom I am angry or disappointed, I feel burdened in a way that I cannot stand.

But the temptation to withhold forgiveness is strong sometimes. Why? Our human nature for some reason makes us believe that revenge is sweet. We think that inflicting pain on someone who has hurt us will make it better. Self-righteous anger can be like a drug - even though it is eating at us, ruining our lives, we cling to it. If we can get others to see how we have been wronged, and to join us in condemning and judging our offender, even better. But why? What good does it bring us? How are we healed from our hurt? How can we ever be free?

This sounds funny, but there have been times that it is a disadvantage that I can't remember most wrongs once I have forgiven them. There are people who are no longer in my life, because they were hurtful to me and I chose no longer to associate with them regularly. But now I hold no animosity toward them - I know they were not a positive influence on my life and therefore are not a regular part of it, but I have no memory of why. Once I forgave them, I forgot what hurtful thing they did or said to me. It can be weird sometimes if I encounter them and cannot remember our falling out - but it allows me to smile and say hello. And I don't mind if my mistake is that I am too kind to someone. Even in my marriage - I'm often at a disadvantage during arguments, because I cannot bring up past examples of my husband's bad deeds. I just don't remember.

But ultimately, because all of those wrongdoings are gone, I am free. And the reason I am writing this blog post, is that I wish everyone could know what this freedom feels like. I have been chained by anger and holding grudges, and I know what that feels like. It makes me hurt for everyone out there who is unable to forgive.

One friend I was speaking with recently said, "you should write out your recipe for how to forgive." And so here is my attempt, for anyone who might be struggling with this right now, to share what has worked for me.

1. Pray. It is God who commands us to forgive, and He will help us.

2. Ask yourself: Do you believe that our Savior calls upon us to forgive any wrong done to us by anyone?

3. Ask yourself: Do you believe that it is God's responsibility to judge others and oversee ultimate justice?

4. Think about your actions in the wrong that was committed. You are not confessing anything to anyone else, so feel free to be completely honest with yourself. Are you disappointed in yourself, do you feel responsible for any part of what happened? The answer may be no, but if it is yes, it is helpful to spend some time reflecting on what you have learned from this experience.

5. Think about your offender. Do you believe that he or she is an important person in your life?

a. If the answer is yes (such as a parent or spouse) think about the action or actions that person has done to hurt you. Think about your expectations of that person. In order to continue to have this person in your life, are you expecting them to change who they are? For sure, there are actions that are wrong, which should not be repeated and can be forgiven individually. But you cannot change who that other person is. If your parent has let you down your whole life, you have the option to forgive him or her for not being the best parent to you, to acknowledge that this is the parent that God gave you, and to move forward in your relationship with the understanding that you may have to lower your expectations of them. That does not mean that you have to put up with abuse, but it means you can stop being disappointed that they are not someone else. You can discover the limits of the relationship by saying "I will never be able to rely on my mother for____" and stop seeking that. And then think about what relationship you CAN have - and then let go of your disappointment and expectation and move forward. Your parents will not be around forever, and I promise you that ultimately you will be blessed if you have made peace with them before they are gone. In the case of your spouse, this blog post could get too long (it already is!) so let me just say - if I am going to be with someone for the rest of our lives, I would much rather love them than hate them!

b. If the answer is no, this person is not an important person in your life, then your job is much easier. Although whatever they have done to you has caused you pain, you are solely in control over how much continued pain you allow this person to inflict upon you. What is done, is done. You can now focus on how God will shape your life and your character as a result, you can look hopefully toward a day when you recognize the blessings that come from the pain you are feeling. What you cannot do is undo what happened. You also have no control over how your offender feels. It is not your job to follow up on God to make sure he really takes care of the situation. And so you can let this other person go - they will go from your life and no longer be a person of consequence to you. You may even forget their name, forget the words they have spoken to you, forget the things that anger you about them... none of those things matter any more. This is not an important person in your life. Forgive them, because you want to be free. Forgive them because you want to be filled with love and not hate. Forgive them because you have good things to do in this world and you cannot waste your energy chasing them down (in your mind or literally keeping tabs on them).

6. Follow through. From this day forward, your words and your actions will no longer be motivated by anger or resentment. From this day forward, your actions will be motivated by love. The Dalai Lama said "the more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your action will be.” If you have carried a wrong with you for a long time, you may have to break the habit of acting in bitterness. Stop, before you speak or act, and ask yourself WHY you are taking a certain action or saying a certain thing - is it to hurt the other person? Is it because you doubt that they will face the consequences of their action? Are you acting/speaking in forgiveness or in resentment? When you open your mouth, remember, "words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness." (Mother Theresa) It might take a few times, maybe even a few months or even years, but eventually you will not have to stop yourself in this way. Eventually you will be in the habit of acting in forgiveness toward that person, and it will come naturally to you.

Forgiving is not easy. But we can do hard things. It makes us better.