Obviously I Don't Know Who I Am

Ok, folks, I'm ready for the chip to be implanted into my earlobe or my fingerprint to be linked to all of my banking and medical records... or WHATEVER. Because I can no longer adequately prove my identity online.

Now, I don't talk about my job very often, because, well, my kids are way more fun to talk about. Plus I have a pretty strict rule about not sharing work ANYTHING online. But just so you know, I am an attorney and for the past six years I have worked with information security law to one extent or another. I GET computer security stuff. All of my many, many, many passwords are greater than 8 characters, contain upper and lowercase letters, numbers, special characters and made up words. And I keep them all in my over-crowded brain. I even change them out occasionally. It's exhausting, but I know it must be done.

But the security questions? They push me over the edge. You know why? Because I never know the answers! I am pretty sure I am actually me, and yet judging from my inability to answer my own security questions... sometimes I have to wonder.

Recently Apple decided that I would no longer be allowed to download apps onto my iPhone unless I was willing to set up three security questions for my Apple account. For each of the three questions, I was given some possible questions to choose from.

I will not be downloading any apps for a while, because I know I won't be able to answer three of these questions in the future.

For example....

Which of the cars you've owned has been your least favorite?

Really? Hmmm, ok, I've owned five cars. I loved a couple of them, and I have been neutral about the other three. I don't love 'em and I don't hate 'em. I could probably sit down and rank those three based on their respective pros and cons, but I'm pretty sure if asked to answer the question again in two years I wouldn't be able to tell you what I came up with. Those "favorite" and "least favorite" questions are the worst. Apparently my opinions are far too wishy washy. I would definitely be accused of flip flopping if I ever ran for office. Ask me today "what is your favorite animal?" or "what was your favorite sport in high school?" and I'll give you one answer, ask me again in a few months and I'll give you a different answer. Plus, I think it's just plain mean to ask me who, of my dearly departed pets, was my favorite.

In which city did your mother and father meet?

Is it awful that I haven't the slightest clue? Do most people know this and I am just a really bad family historian? I guess I could call one of my parents, get the answer, and then hope they give me the same answer again in the future...

Where were you on January 1, 2000?

See, this is one of those questions that SEEMS really easy. But it's not. Because do I answer the state I was in? The city? The bar? The party right outside the bar where I actually was? Tricky, tricky.

Who was your first teacher?

Herr Abel first grade. But before that there were several kindergarten and preschool teachers... and I have no idea. I could probably put the name of my first grade teacher and be relatively sure the next time I'm confronted with this question that this was the answer I gave. Hopefully. Unless in a moment of clarity greater than my current abilities, I remember my kindergarten teacher's name.

What was the first album you owned?

Again, is this something most people know? Because I DO remember my brother's first album - it was a RECORD. It was MC Hammer. He tortured me with it. I kind of, um, acquired some of my parents' music before I bought my own, and once I did buy my own or receive it as gifts... I have no clue what was first.

Where was your first job?

Another question that seems easy. Everyone does have a first job. But I don't know what mine was... I babysat a lot when I was a teenager. I also worked in my mother's office some. They paid me. Probably my first job, if you asked the IRS, was working at a children's museum. Or a restaurant. I'm not totally sure which came first...

In which city were you first kissed?

Okay this HAS to be the easiest one... right? I mean it's one thing that really happened, which I OBVIOUSLY remember, in a city. Yes. It was middle school, after a school dance, Stiles Bliss (because if you're going to be kissed for the first time, it should be by someone with a name like Bliss) asked me if he could kiss me and I said yes. So where was it? Carmel, California. Carmel Middle School. Except, I think maybe Carmel Middle School might actually be in Carmel Valley, California. And at the time we lived in Monterey, right over the hill. I'm going to just put Carmel. And hopefully I remember that two years from now when they ask me again.