An Angel

Our tiny, tiny baby brother (as Sophia called this baby, and I will always think of him - even though of course we will never know whether he was a he or a she) returned Home to God only a few days after I found out I was five weeks pregnant. It's amazing to me how much hope and joy and anticipation, and how many dreams and plans you can cram into six days! Gosh, I had already figured out where his Christmas stocking would fit on our mantel! I won't try to guess why this baby won't be joining our family, but I do know some things for sure.... For one thing, it made us certain that we did want another baby, something we just hadn't quite been able to figure out. I know this baby was real, from the moment he was conceived. I don't regret that I loved him and hoped for him. I know for certain that our little angel is in Heaven, tiny and perfect and in God's care. I know my girls will always have this angel watching over them, that we will meet him again some day. I know that God is here with me tonight, as I cry; and even though I feel alone, I know I am not. All weekend long, as I wondered whether I was in the midst of a miscarriage or just not, I knew God's mind was made up, I knew His timing was perfect and mine was not, I knew He had a plan. And although it was awfully hard not to lie awake at night and obsess about beta hcg numbers and twinges in my belly, I felt a certain peace that I didn't have to worry about it, it was taken care of. Either way, God was in charge. This morning as I waited for four hours and fifty mintues for the nurse to call back and tell me that my baby was gone, I was anxious and I felt alone. But after she called and I came home and laid in bed, with Sophia jumping on the bed and Amelia bringing me cans of soup from the pantry, I once again felt this overwhelming gratitude -- I am so blessed. Tonight, finally alone with my thoughts, sitting in the dark and feeling the blood between my legs and the cramps in my belly, I finally let the tears fall. But I know that my cries are being heard. I can feel God's presence so strongly tonight in my sorrow, and I know that no matter what He will be here with me. I'm the kind of person who tends to over-insure everything, I know we pay more in car insurance on my husband's truck than the thing is worth, and I'm pretty sure that we have every available rider on our homeowner's insurance policy. I can't sleep at night if I think of something that might not be taken care of in the event of a tragedy - yes, my will is spelled out in meticulous detail, I have way too much life insurance and a medical proxy and a living will, and all those "what ifs" taken care of. But this certainty that God will catch me, no matter what the fall, is better than any insurance plan I can envision or any contingency plan I can write. I can't buy that kind of peace. I am thankful that I can let go, that I don't have to wonder when we will have another baby, that I don't have to agonize over why this tiny baby brother is gone, that I don't have to figure it all out. And even more importantly, I don't have to wonder any more, as I sometimes have, will God be there when I am really sad?

Two answers resonate loud and clear with me tonight...

Be still, and know that I am God.
-Psalm 46:10

and

The will of God will never take you, Where the grace of God cannot keep you.