Clean up, clean up, only mommy does her share...

This week I am working very hard to make things seem effortless, when in fact I feel like I am putting in way more effort than I even have.

Going away to a conference, even with all the fun (and danger ha!) of visiting friends, enjoying the hotel, eating fancy dinners, is really just heartbreaking time away from my kids. And I hate it.

At work, I frantically Google things while sounding totally self-assured on the phone. I almost always do in-depth legal research after conversations, to make sure I didn't just totally give someone the wrong answer (thankfully, so far, I haven't).

My house is a mess, and tonight I'm staying up half the night to make everyone at Sophia's party tomorrow think that we live in a clean house. When you walk through our house, it seems clean; but things have been so busy the past year (or three) that I rarely clean my baseboards, my appliances, the top of my range hood, my laundry room floor...things that, pre-kids, got weekly attention.

Sophia's party, which is supposed to be a low-key backyard affair, is costing way too much money and taking way too much time. I bought frosting today. I have never done that. I make the most awesome buttercream frosting... but I had to cut a corner this time around. I stayed up half the night last Friday, making a happy birthday sign, buying art supplies (she's have an art party), and making lists of things I needed to get done this week.

At my non-profit organization, I am losing it. I hate being President, I am losing faith in the board and the organization in general - not because I don't care about the cause (I passionately do!) but because we just cannot seem to get enough money to make it work. We're all too busy and we're failing; most of all, I am. But I have stayed up half the night several other nights this past week or two, preparing notes for our executive committee meeting Sunday and our board meeting Monday, and no one will know how close I am to throwing in the towel.

At church Sunday, I am helping welcome a friend's newly adopted son into the congregation and having her family over for lunch afterwards. She might think I always have really fancy and delicious sandwich fixings in my fridge, and lots of drink choices like lemonade and iced tea. But really, I ran out to the store at lunch today and spent a small fortune to make sure my fridge would be well-stocked on Sunday.

I talk about my faith, I pray constantly, I read the bible as much as any other book (not enough!), I go to church every Sunday that we are in town. But I don't take the time to really be with Christ, to worship and study the way my soul craves.

People constantly ask me "how do you do it all?" or "how do you manage?" The truth is, I feel like a liar when I shrug them off and smile.