Wings flutter in my heart

I started crying in Walmart this evening while buying a shower curtain rod. I think mostly I'm tired. But I'm also sad...

I found my last pregnancy test earlier, which I had tucked into a box and haven't been able to throw away. I realized this is all I have - that is the sum total of the physical evidence of my baby. What surprised me, even though I know this and it shouldn't have, is that sometimes grief comes out of nowhere, even after you think you're done crying.

I can't bring myself to say anything to anyone, because I still feel like I don't have a right to grieve a baby lost so early, a baby I only "knew" for six days, a baby whose heart had probably just started beating when it stopped. But two of my friends, who have lost their own babies (much later than me - two sweet angel girls, one lost at 12 weeks, and the other two months after she was born) and my cousin who has felt this sadness too many times, understand my sadness. I am so, so thankful for them. I am also thankful for Christy Nockels of Watermark for her incredibly comforting, beautiful song Glory Baby:

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Lord, I pray for comfort and healing for Patricia and Jodi and Jenny and Angie and Christy and all of the other mothers out there who cannot hold their babies tonight. Please help them feel the same love and comfort that I feel, knowing they are not alone. Please let their hearts take comfort in the fact that little Madison and Helen and Audrey, and the other tiny angels, reside deeply in my heart.