The Post I Am Not Publishing

Right now this is a post I just need to write. I don't want to publish it, because this blog is about thankfulness and praise. When I rejoice in the Lord, when I remember to stop and praise Him, when I let gratitude fill my heart, all is well and I want to shout it from the rooftops. These feelings, I don't even want to whisper them right now... I want to be on the other side of this already.

It's 1... 2:30... 3:34... 4... 5:15 am. I have been sitting here (and kneeling here) all night.

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises. (Psalm 119:147-48)

I am listening to Nicole Sponberg sing Resurrection... make something beautiful out of all this suffering.

I want so badly to hand my suffering to Christ (and I hesitate to use the word "suffering" because I am not suffering like so many people out there who are hurting so, so deeply right now). Here I am once again, I'm in need of resurrection. Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead. What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption, You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again. But I feel myself clinging to it. I want to find my ministry, I want to see God glorified, I want to see something beautiful... but I won't hand it over to the One who can actually make that happen.

Why?

When I cling to my suffering, I come from a place of doubt. I am distanced from God instead of drawing nearer to Him. It wrecks my faith instead of building it up. I am saying I don't trust Him. I won't hand it over in case He can't make something out of it. I fear that maybe it's all for nothing.

When I cling to my suffering, I am being arrogant. I begin believing that I am stronger than I really am, that I can handle it on my own, that I don't need Him. I reject Christ when I say that I will carry these burdens. No thanks, I don't really need You, I can handle this, really, it's fine, let me just keep these burdens...

When I cling to my suffering, I can control it. I can compartmentalize it, I can tuck it away safely in a part of my mind, only to be brought out in controlled circumstances. I can avoid remembering it, from feeling it, when it's inconvenient. I can use it for my own purposes. I can wear it like a badge to glorify myself. I can shape it into whatever "good" I choose. It's mine to do with as I please.

How very broken I really am.
I have gone my own way....
I'm in need of resurrection.

Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me.
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.
(Psalm 119:175-76)

Lord, let me rest my soul in You. I am weary and burdened. I need You. I know in all things You work for the good of those who love You, who have been called according to Your purpose. I am here. I lay it all at Your feet, I humbly ask that You take the pieces in Your hand. My soul yearns for You. I cannot take another step without You guiding the way. I see winter turn to Spring all around me. I feel it in my heart, blossoming... Only You.

Look upon my suffering and deliver me (Psalm 119:153)

This is Yours.

This was for You.

Only You.

This past year of trying to have another baby, and losing two babies, has left me wounded. Those wounds are not what I have left of those babies... those babies are in Heaven, that is where I should be looking... not down into this valley but up.

I can't move forward when I let myself continue to be bound by these chains. I can't be healed if I chain myself to my wounds. I cannot move forward if I chain myself to my past suffering. I cannot be resurrected if I am chained to my own agenda. I cannot glorify God if I chain this suffering to my own heart.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17