Love at First Sight

I think I've shared that when my husband and I discussed having children prior to Sophia being conceived, we decided that if we had trouble getting pregnant we would just go straight to adoption, rather than pursuing infertility treatments. After my PCOS diagnosis, I knew this was a possibility. However, once our girls were born, I viewed adoption differently (though Davis has wanted to continue to consider it). I've wondered if I could really love a non-biological child as much as I love my two children, and I've worried that it would too difficult to ensure that they all received equal treatment and all felt equally loved. When the Lord so un-subtly pushed me to pursue foster parenting, I wondered whether this might help answer some of those questions. But then I also wondered whether I could love a child and completely mother them as my own, knowing they were never going to be mine. And, even though we are still months and months away from even being licensed to be foster parents, those questions were answered last night.

As I held sweet baby T, a six month old foster baby currently hospitalized at our children's hospital, the answer washed over me: OH YES. I loved her, I memorized her sweet face, I held her and stroked her cheek and smiled at her and sang to her and played with her and fed her and changed her and loved her like my very own. I inscribed her in my heart and vowed to pray for her forever, despite the fact that I'm not sure I'll ever see her again (I am scheduled to spend Tuesday night at the hospital with her, but it's not certain).

I still don't know where our journey will end... whether we will be parents to more children, whether those children will come from my womb or through adoption, whether we will become foster parents or not... but I do know, for certain, that I absolutely can love a baby to whom I did not give birth with the same love that I have for my own children. And I do know, for certain, that I can embrace a child with the same fierce love, even if I know my ability to mother them is only hours, days, or weeks long.

I cried last night, and today, for Baby T. I also cried for the other babies there who have no parents, or whose parents have left them alone at the hospital. It was hard to leave. But it was so, so much more of a blessing to be allowed to hold T, to feel that love rush into my heart the same way it did the first time I saw my own babies, to spend those hours holding this precious angel. Whatever comfort I brought her those few hours, I know she has changed my life in a much bigger way.

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave

To the dark and the empty skies, my love,

To the dark and the empty skies.

-Roberta Flack

Sophia was about a week old when I sang that song to her, and she smiled for the first time. Baby T was partial to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (to which I know all four verses, because it was also baby Amelia's favorite!)