It Was So Cute, I Cried

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Jeremiah 33:3

I love that scripture. Love it. It was a Sticky Note on my desktop for months before this baby was conceived. There have been so many times over the past year that I felt a hurt or a desire deep within me, when I read scripture and talked to friends and just cried... but it was never until I called out to the Lord that I felt unburdened. For some reason, it often took me days or weeks before I remembered to ASK God for help, to ASK Him to show me the way, to CALL onto Him. But whenever I did, He answered me... not in the way of someone who owes me answers, not always in a way that I understood right away. But he showed me great and mighty things, which I did not know.

We received a letter from Beatrice, our child who we sponsor through Compassion. She is a year older than Sophia, and her letters always include a tracing of her precious hand. Sophia loves to lay her hand over the tracing to see how her own hand measures up. We always talk about what it must be like in Ghana right now, and what Beatrice might be doing and feeling. We're so blessed that we have brought Beatrice into our lives.

We have scheduled our foster care training for October and our homestudy for shortly before that. Everything else is complete. To be completely honest, I still have no idea where this foster care journey is leading us, because it has been unexpected and not led by us from the beginning... sometimes pushing us forward, sometimes holding us back. For now, we continue to simply follow.

When I was pregnant with Sophia, I took for granted that everything would be perfect. I was not high risk in any sense. I enjoyed the experience of being pregnant for the first time in a new-adventure sort of way. But I did not treasure it in a day-to-day sort of way, or recognize how fragile it might have been. With Amelia, I was studying for the bar exam, I had a toddler going through operations with major complications, I was starting a new career as an attorney in a large law firm... to say I did not savor that pregnancy is a huge understatement. I barely remember that pregnancy - I'm pretty sure it only last a few weeks.

When I first found out I was pregnant with this baby and got my initial (bad) blood work back, I prayed immediately that I would be released from any fears and anxieties that would keep me from loving this baby and enjoying this pregnancy fully, no matter how long it lasted... and my prayers were answered abundantly and instantly. I have LOVED being pregnant, I have kept a journal, and I have bonded with this little baby bean from the beginning.

Last night I had some pains that were strong enough to wake me, and they continued this morning. I wasn't too worried because I had no bleeding, but called the nurse to be safe. She asked me to come in to see the doctor, just because of my history. I'm so glad now that I did - because I HEARD the baby's heartbeat today (170) for the first time, saw a perfect and cute and pretty much fully formed 10 week old baby... and THE BABY WAVED AT ME!!

It was so cute, I cried.

Will You Pray With Me?

Many children in foster care feel like they don't have a prayer... Let's change that!

Did you know that May 17-24th is National Foster Care Prayer Week? Would you join me this week to pray for our children in foster care and those who care for them? If you've been following my blog, you might know that my husband and I are getting involved in foster care. But you can too! We are all called upon to help our orphans... the Bible tells us so:

Defend the poor and fatherless.
Psalm 82:3

Execute true justice,
Show mercy and compassion
Everyone to his brother.
Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless,
The alien or the poor.
Zechariah 7:9-12

When you hear the word fatherless or orphan, who do you think about? There are orphans in far away countries... but there are also orphans in your very own neighborhood.

In Arkansas, there are about 3,500 children in foster care at any given time. In my county alone, there are 1,100 but only 233 families to care for them. The other children must go to emergency shelters. Can you imagine? Can you imagine going through a crisis in your family that would require you to be removed from your home as a young child, and then going to a DHS office only to find out there is no home for you, and then ending up in an emergency shelter?

Did you know there are so many ways you can help the fatherless? You don't have to adopt a child or become a foster parent, but you can help! You could become a respite foster home, offering to care for foster children for a day or a weekend, if their foster family needs a break. You could volunteer, give donations of childrens items, or help raise funds. You could become a court-appointed advocate for children in foster care.

If you are in Arkansas, please take a moment to find out about The C.A.L.L. They are an amazing organization that helps foster families - and the whole foster care system - and provides a great network of support. Many other states have similar organizations, and I encourage you to seek them out.

And right now, today, this week, you can PRAY for these children and for those who work so hard to care for them. Will you join me for an online prayer vigil? Will you commit to pray with me every day this week?

Love at First Sight

I think I've shared that when my husband and I discussed having children prior to Sophia being conceived, we decided that if we had trouble getting pregnant we would just go straight to adoption, rather than pursuing infertility treatments. After my PCOS diagnosis, I knew this was a possibility. However, once our girls were born, I viewed adoption differently (though Davis has wanted to continue to consider it). I've wondered if I could really love a non-biological child as much as I love my two children, and I've worried that it would too difficult to ensure that they all received equal treatment and all felt equally loved. When the Lord so un-subtly pushed me to pursue foster parenting, I wondered whether this might help answer some of those questions. But then I also wondered whether I could love a child and completely mother them as my own, knowing they were never going to be mine. And, even though we are still months and months away from even being licensed to be foster parents, those questions were answered last night.

As I held sweet baby T, a six month old foster baby currently hospitalized at our children's hospital, the answer washed over me: OH YES. I loved her, I memorized her sweet face, I held her and stroked her cheek and smiled at her and sang to her and played with her and fed her and changed her and loved her like my very own. I inscribed her in my heart and vowed to pray for her forever, despite the fact that I'm not sure I'll ever see her again (I am scheduled to spend Tuesday night at the hospital with her, but it's not certain).

I still don't know where our journey will end... whether we will be parents to more children, whether those children will come from my womb or through adoption, whether we will become foster parents or not... but I do know, for certain, that I absolutely can love a baby to whom I did not give birth with the same love that I have for my own children. And I do know, for certain, that I can embrace a child with the same fierce love, even if I know my ability to mother them is only hours, days, or weeks long.

I cried last night, and today, for Baby T. I also cried for the other babies there who have no parents, or whose parents have left them alone at the hospital. It was hard to leave. But it was so, so much more of a blessing to be allowed to hold T, to feel that love rush into my heart the same way it did the first time I saw my own babies, to spend those hours holding this precious angel. Whatever comfort I brought her those few hours, I know she has changed my life in a much bigger way.

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave

To the dark and the empty skies, my love,

To the dark and the empty skies.

-Roberta Flack

Sophia was about a week old when I sang that song to her, and she smiled for the first time. Baby T was partial to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (to which I know all four verses, because it was also baby Amelia's favorite!)

A Pliable Heart

I am SHAKING. Literally my fingers won't stop shaking and I keep looking around at trash cans just in case I need to suddenly throw up.

Tonight we went to the "informational meeting" for becoming foster parents. We are going through a church-based organization, which coordinates everything and provides an awesome supportive environment for foster parents. Our goal tonight was really just to check it out, ask some questions, and see where things go from here.

The meeting was SO emotional. I'm sure I looked like I was having seizures, I was batting my eyes so much trying not to just bawl. The song "You Raise Me Up" kept playing. Everywhere I turned, I kept hearing the call - and literally there were times when I was looking AWAY, thinking we can't possibly do this, but then there would be another sign. Pay attention, Vera, GO. Don't follow your heart but lead it.

At the end, they told us if we felt led to take the next step, to raise our hands and they would bring us a packet of paperwork to fill out. I breathed a sigh of relief, because I knew my sensible husband would tell me that we needed to go home and discuss things and then fill out the paperwork at some later date. I needed a breather. I turned to look at him and immediately he told me to raise my hand.

I knew I couldn't wrap my head around WHY God was choosing this for our family, and I couldn't possibly think through everything right then, but I just kept hearing Proverbs 3:5 (Karla your tweet was SO timely too!) and deciding to take one small faithful step at a time. Before I knew it, we had filled out all the paperwork (there was a LOT) and been fingerprinted. They had copies of our driver's licenses, and our packets were complete. Just like that.

We have no committed to anything, and even after we are licensed we will always get to choose whether to take a child in... but the reason I'm shaking and queasy is that I have a pretty strong feeling that this is leading somewhere. Somewhere huge.

I had a friend a long time ago, whose theory was that when you have a deja vu moment, something important is happening, because it was so preordained that it's already familiar to you. Well tonight everyone in that room - the lady from DHS, the woman who is the head of the organization, the man from the church where the meeting was, several of the other families there - looked so familiar. I mean really, really familiar. I kept thinking all evening where do I know her from? where do I know him from? who is that? When I realized that almost everyone in that room looked familiar, I knew it wasn't that I knew these people from my past. It's that I know they are part of a really important part of my future.

As I said in a past post, I really truly have no idea where this is going. This is so far from any "plans" I have ever had for my life that I am purely in a following mode right now. I am walking by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Right now I have just one thing to say: AAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!

But I can feel peace and excitement right around the corner :)

Fear

I. am. scared.

Basically two days ago, God told me I should look into becoming a foster parent. It's never been on my to do list before, yet every "but" I tried to throw His way got thrown back at me. Davis has always talked about wanting to adopt a child. Before we conceived Sophia, we decided that if we couldn't get pregnant on our own, we'd go straight to adoption, rather than battle infertility. However, once I had my biological children, the whole adoption idea became....different. I always just told Davis we shouldn't pursue it, but "if a baby shows up on our door step, I guess it's meant to happen." What I didn't think about, was the possibility that we might invite children onto our doorstep.

When I started thinking about the reasons I couldn't possibly be a foster parent... like my need to be in control pretty much all of the time, my difficulty with unknown and unexpectedly changing situations, my fear of loss... I started realizing that these are some of the things that hold me back, things that maybe God will help me overcome. And maybe in a sudden-detox-full-immersion kind of way!! Yikes!

We are SO SO barely in the preliminary stages of looking into this. When I first started hearing the call, and Davis and I first started talking about it (and by "first" I mean two days ago), the fear and apprehension was pretty stifling. Of course, my awesome bloggy world offered some intensely perfect wisdom: http://lynnettekraft.blogspot.com/2009/02/be-courageous-as-god-leads-you-even.html. *deep breath* Many prayers later, and I feel so much more peace and so much less fear. We have decided to just FOLLOW. I don't know where this path will lead. I don't know whether we will end up foster parents or not, whether we will end up adopting or not, whether something completely different will come of it... we just don't know. And you know what? I'm okay with that. How crazy is that?! ME! I'm cool with that, I know the Big Guy has a plan. Woah, crazy.

As for the details... we are going for our informational meeting in two weeks - this is where you learn about the whole process and ask questions (my typed up bulleted list is getting long already, I'm not giving up all of my Type A ways ;). After that, if we continue on with the process, we will complete about 30 hours of training and have a homestudy done. If we end up in the program, we would take only infants, and only one at a time. Many of these are short-term placements, until they can go home with their birth parents or be adopted. We have everything (an extra room, crib, time, love, etc.) that was reserved for our Baby Number Three, so we'll see...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6