Baby

We lost our baby.

Thursday evening I started spotting lightly, and figured that I had just overdone it with all that cooking and turkey-lifting, so I spent most of Friday and all day Saturday lying on the couch watching football. The spotting stayed light, but I also had some cramps, and more than anything I just knew something was wrong. Davis finally convinced me to go into the ER last night. I knew deep down that the news would be bad, but I still wasn't prepared for the doctor telling me there was no heartbeat. I've heard those words before, and I know that moment will replay itself in my mind for the rest of my life. Everyone at the hospital, especially the ER doctor I saw, was wonderful. Around midnight I came home and just laid in bed awake until Henry woke up at 5 a.m. I have never been more happy to hear his too-early morning cries - I literally ran into his room to get him. Telling the girls was so, so hard. Amelia just keeps saying "our baby died, he's not coming back" over and over again. Sophia is Sophia - all she's done is draw pictures for me and bring me food and drinks in bed and try to make me feel better, but I can tell she's hurting too. She said "this is such a sad day for us." And it is.

I've cried my first ocean of tears, and now alone (Davis and the kids are just in the yard - he won't leave me in case the bleeding gets too heavy) the waves of self-doubt and wondering have started. But I will not be consumed.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23