Bear With Me

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sure reading my blog feels a little roller-coaster-ride-ish right now... death and sadness, birthday party, death and sadness, happiness. And today I'm going to touch a sad topic again, and then tomorrow is Henry's birthday party. But you know what, that's my life right now, so you're along for the ride if you read my blog :)

This afternoon was the memorial service for my friend, Bill. It's snowy today. Everything looks beautiful and peaceful and at rest, covered in a crisp white blanket of snow. But there is also ice on the roads, and driving to church I felt an edgy anxiety about my safety and other people who were sharing the roads with me. I saw homeless men sitting on stoops and worried. Walking into the church, I was painfully cold (I wasn't wearing socks under my boots! How crazy dumb!) and a little jumpy from driving. And then I saw the church grounds, as beautiful as I've ever seen them, with nothing but bird footprints in the clean snow. And inside, I was home. I love my church. Deeply, deeply love it. I can't even express in words how peaceful that place feels to me (especially when I'm there without my kids ha!)

And as we prayed, give us faith to see in death the gate of eternal life, I realized, that I have had such very conflicted feelings about death lately. Both our Violet's death and Bill's have left me feeling both profoundly sad and hopeful in an almost excited way. With Violet, I had to trudge through some pretty deep grief to feel any hope. It took almost a month - until I heard the sermon late, late on Christmas Eve, that the hope of Violet's new life and the hope of seeing her again filled me. But with Bill, news of his death came almost instantly with both sadness and a feeling that I can only describe as... envy? Bill was our mentor in the EFM class that I'm taking (and have mentioned a few times on here), and we ask BIG questions in there sometimes. When I heard that he had died, I thought "he has all the answers now." I wished I could check my email and get a note from him - signed Peace and Love to You the same as the one he sent me three days before he died - letting me in on all the secrets, telling me just how magnificent it really is.

At his memorial service, we were reminded that Earth is not our home. It's something I've been thinking about a lot the past couple of months. I want to cling so tightly to Earthly things, that when someone I love dies, I feel uneasy, because then I remember - this isn't where I want to be. I will never be fully comfortable or fulfilled on this earth. Having loved ones in Heaven just amplifies that feeling. My sight is much more clearly focused on my Heavenly home since Violet's death. I've been thankful for that new perspective I've gained through her loss. So when my friend Bill joined her, I felt a little envy that he got to go Home.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of living left to do on this Earth. I know exactly where I belong right now - right here in the flesh with my other three children and this world that is filled with lots of things worthy of clinging to. But at the same time I am thankful for reminders not to cling too tightly, reminders that re-set my focus.

Bill was one of the most humble, genuinely good people I have ever met, and I am also so thankful that I had the privilege of having him in my life.