Fear

I. am. scared.

Basically two days ago, God told me I should look into becoming a foster parent. It's never been on my to do list before, yet every "but" I tried to throw His way got thrown back at me. Davis has always talked about wanting to adopt a child. Before we conceived Sophia, we decided that if we couldn't get pregnant on our own, we'd go straight to adoption, rather than battle infertility. However, once I had my biological children, the whole adoption idea became....different. I always just told Davis we shouldn't pursue it, but "if a baby shows up on our door step, I guess it's meant to happen." What I didn't think about, was the possibility that we might invite children onto our doorstep.

When I started thinking about the reasons I couldn't possibly be a foster parent... like my need to be in control pretty much all of the time, my difficulty with unknown and unexpectedly changing situations, my fear of loss... I started realizing that these are some of the things that hold me back, things that maybe God will help me overcome. And maybe in a sudden-detox-full-immersion kind of way!! Yikes!

We are SO SO barely in the preliminary stages of looking into this. When I first started hearing the call, and Davis and I first started talking about it (and by "first" I mean two days ago), the fear and apprehension was pretty stifling. Of course, my awesome bloggy world offered some intensely perfect wisdom: http://lynnettekraft.blogspot.com/2009/02/be-courageous-as-god-leads-you-even.html. *deep breath* Many prayers later, and I feel so much more peace and so much less fear. We have decided to just FOLLOW. I don't know where this path will lead. I don't know whether we will end up foster parents or not, whether we will end up adopting or not, whether something completely different will come of it... we just don't know. And you know what? I'm okay with that. How crazy is that?! ME! I'm cool with that, I know the Big Guy has a plan. Woah, crazy.

As for the details... we are going for our informational meeting in two weeks - this is where you learn about the whole process and ask questions (my typed up bulleted list is getting long already, I'm not giving up all of my Type A ways ;). After that, if we continue on with the process, we will complete about 30 hours of training and have a homestudy done. If we end up in the program, we would take only infants, and only one at a time. Many of these are short-term placements, until they can go home with their birth parents or be adopted. We have everything (an extra room, crib, time, love, etc.) that was reserved for our Baby Number Three, so we'll see...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6