A Pliable Heart

I am SHAKING. Literally my fingers won't stop shaking and I keep looking around at trash cans just in case I need to suddenly throw up.

Tonight we went to the "informational meeting" for becoming foster parents. We are going through a church-based organization, which coordinates everything and provides an awesome supportive environment for foster parents. Our goal tonight was really just to check it out, ask some questions, and see where things go from here.

The meeting was SO emotional. I'm sure I looked like I was having seizures, I was batting my eyes so much trying not to just bawl. The song "You Raise Me Up" kept playing. Everywhere I turned, I kept hearing the call - and literally there were times when I was looking AWAY, thinking we can't possibly do this, but then there would be another sign. Pay attention, Vera, GO. Don't follow your heart but lead it.

At the end, they told us if we felt led to take the next step, to raise our hands and they would bring us a packet of paperwork to fill out. I breathed a sigh of relief, because I knew my sensible husband would tell me that we needed to go home and discuss things and then fill out the paperwork at some later date. I needed a breather. I turned to look at him and immediately he told me to raise my hand.

I knew I couldn't wrap my head around WHY God was choosing this for our family, and I couldn't possibly think through everything right then, but I just kept hearing Proverbs 3:5 (Karla your tweet was SO timely too!) and deciding to take one small faithful step at a time. Before I knew it, we had filled out all the paperwork (there was a LOT) and been fingerprinted. They had copies of our driver's licenses, and our packets were complete. Just like that.

We have no committed to anything, and even after we are licensed we will always get to choose whether to take a child in... but the reason I'm shaking and queasy is that I have a pretty strong feeling that this is leading somewhere. Somewhere huge.

I had a friend a long time ago, whose theory was that when you have a deja vu moment, something important is happening, because it was so preordained that it's already familiar to you. Well tonight everyone in that room - the lady from DHS, the woman who is the head of the organization, the man from the church where the meeting was, several of the other families there - looked so familiar. I mean really, really familiar. I kept thinking all evening where do I know her from? where do I know him from? who is that? When I realized that almost everyone in that room looked familiar, I knew it wasn't that I knew these people from my past. It's that I know they are part of a really important part of my future.

As I said in a past post, I really truly have no idea where this is going. This is so far from any "plans" I have ever had for my life that I am purely in a following mode right now. I am walking by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Right now I have just one thing to say: AAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!

But I can feel peace and excitement right around the corner :)